


The Stars Of Our Own

by Linane



Series: Stellar Distances Of Love [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Angst, Canon Elements, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sci-Fi Elements, Space AU, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:05:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18696586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linane/pseuds/Linane
Summary: They left out of love, with fear and hope in their hearts, to reclaim a long-forgotten home. They found endless, uncaring universe and the very limits of their own souls.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [girlmarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlmarvel/gifts).



> Some of you will be familiar with chapters 1 and 2 of this story, which originally appeared as chapters 23 and 30 of the [30 Kisses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8926912). As this universe grew into more than one-shots and demanded an addition, I couldn't not turn it into a work in its own right. 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy flying and sometimes dreaming with the boys :)

WARNING: PROXIMITY ALERT. WARNING: PROXIMITY ALERT.

It’s a battle to open his eyes, using muscles which haven’t had to contract in decades.

INJECTING WAKE UP COCTAIL

Fili groans as the needles stab him in the arms and force the chemicals into his body. He hates this part.

WARNING: PROXIMITY ALERT.

Gandalf. Why they have chosen the voice of an old, posh-sounding man, Fili will never know. The AI is good, as far as its protocols go, clever with the exabytes of data that have been pumped into it over the centuries. But it does have an annoying habit of not telling them about the dangers they’re about to encounter and staying uselessly silent as they try to deal with them.

“Time and date,” he croaks, feeling the intelligent oxygen particles kick-start the blood flow properly, fuelling his brain again.

4:23, 27th OF SEPTEMBER 2339.

24 years. Early.

On the outside of his plexi-glass pod, right in front of his eyes someone put a sticky note. “I miss you,” it says. Below there’s another one with a caption “Sweet dreams.”

WARNING: PROXIMITY ALERT.

“Tell me.”

ASTEROID CLUSTER, CLASS B-35. 4 MAJOR OBJECTS IDENTIFIED. DEBRIS FIELD 1.5 SECTORS. CHAOTIC MOVEMENT VECTORS. IN LINE WITH IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOLS, THE DATABASE NAME ASSIGNED IS “THE TROLLS”. RECCOMEND MANUAL PILOTING OVERRIDE AND IMMEDIATE EVASIVE MANOUVERS.

“How immediate?”

… BEST ESTIMATE: 3 MINUTES, 19 SECONDS TO IMPACT.

“Ffffuck!” he scrambles off the edge of the pod and swears again when his legs fold under him like spaghetti. Even if he was to run, it would take him about 2 and a half minutes from the hibernation chambers to the nearest piloting console.

“Gravity: 25%. You could have told me sooner!”

GRAVITY ADJUSTMENT COMPLETE.

Better. He half – stumbles, half – launches himself towards the bay door. “Initiate pilot and navigation override. Authorisation code, uh…” he shakes his head, making the golden strands float around him like a halo, “BXT 392 711 F.”

STATE YOUR NAME.

“Fili Durin. Project peripheral images onto the walls in front of me as I go. I need to see.”

VOICE RECOGNITION: POSITIVE. FILI, MY LAD!

“Way too cheerful,” Fili mutters. He can see why the AI felt the asteroids needed manual approach. One of them… looks like an angry fireball, mini explosions boiling inside it, making it ricochet all over the place. It will be a question of nothing but a gut feeling.

TIME TO IMPACT – 10

Fili falls through the secondary bridge door just in time to see a latest explosion propel the asteroid to spin on its own axis like a giant, flaming snitch.

9 –

“Give me the steering wheel!”

8 – LAUNCHING MANUAL STEERING PANEL.

There is no element of piloting involved when he hits the console at full speed and yanks the joystick towards his chest to stop himself sliding right under it as much as anything else. “Auxiliary – OW!! Auxiliary engines full thrust!”

There’s a sickening sound of metal scraping against rock, but it can’t be the flaming one or else there’d be explosions. “Sorry, uncle,” Fili murmurs, cringing.

SHIELDS HOLDING AT 70%. PHYSICAL DAMAGE TO DECS 22, 23 AND 27. MINOR DAMAGE TO –

“Later!” He grunts, using the console edge and his seat to crawl back out. “Gravity: 70%”.

It feels like a kick to the gut and Fili snarls, clinging to the armrest to haul himself the rest of the way.

GRAVITY ADJUSTMENT COMPLETE.

“Oh, I noticed.”

When he finally pushes the hair out of his face, it becomes clear that they’re not out of the woods yet. He’s managed to bump one of the non-flaming asteroids into the fireball one, the physical impact starting some new deadly reaction within its core. Now it’s _vibrating_ on all screens in front of him, slowly changing colour as it heats up even hotter, consuming the gases within the rock.

If it blows up just behind them, the engines and most of the ship will have had it.

“Out of the frying pan and into the fire,” Fili huffs, pushing the ship forwards, right into the debris field, despite knowing that they won’t be able to get very far, and they will likely burn out their shields doing so without plotting a proper course to minimalize the impact.

“Gandalf! I need a –“

He doesn’t get to finish because from behind a nearby moon a star appears, bright and blinding in its brilliance, making Fili squint. “Screens!”

DIMMING FIELD ACTIVATED. PLEASE REPEAT THE OTHER COMMAND.

He blinks, fighting the sharp stab of pain to his head, then freezes when his eyes land once again on the Trolls. Except it’s more like a single Troll right now; no more flaming inferno and all 4 asteroids are now welded firmly together into a single, solid rock.

“Gandalf? Please explain the space tetris before me.”

IT WOULD APPEAR THAT ONE OF THE ASTEROIDS WAS RUNNING A SPONTANEOUS COLD FUSION REACTION. ONCE BOMBARDED BY THE SOLAR RADIATION WHEN THE STAR CAME INTO ORBIT, THE CONDITIONS BECAME TOO HOT, CAUSING THE REACTION TO COLLAPSE AND SHRINK THE EXPANDING MATTER AROUND IT RAPIDLY, THUS ATTRACTING OTHER SOLID PARTICLES AROUND IT.

“Right.” He sighs, and sinks into the soft leather of his seat, only now realising that he’s not wearing any clothes. Of course he isn’t; there wasn’t the time when the AI woke him. He puts his feet up on top of the console and makes himself comfortable, scratching his belly lazily.

“Plot me a course through this junk and let’s get out of here before something else decides to have a reaction.”

 

\---

 

It’s odd to think that everything that’s happening to them now is directly connected to the things that Fili learned at school all those years ago.

It all starts with a single gene.

Towards the middle of the 21st century someone figures out that this one mysterious section of it is distinctly different for some people. For the next 20 years this fact remains one of science’s sweet mysteries, until one day someone else has a bright idea to start recording who has the odd gene.

A good number of people, as it turns out – 18% of the population to be exact. In the world almost completely digitalised, it’s not difficult for statisticians to start drawing conclusions.

Although there’s nothing noticeably different about them, the people with the odd gene are on average a little bit shorter, boast better immune system and longer lifespans. They see better in the dark and are slightly stronger.

 _Another_ gene with a variation is discovered mere 3 years after the genetic makeup becomes one of the mandatory records forming a part of person’s ID.

This one is completely different, and occurs in people on average slightly taller, with fine bone structure, better eyesight overall and even longer lifespans. They prefer academia, literature, music and arts, though once again, the differences are so miniscule that they’re indistinguishable from the next person.

‘Elvans’ and ‘dwarvans’ are not politically correct terms, but they stick all the same.

As these discoveries coincide with a century of Greater Space Exploration, it seems natural to search for gene’s origins outside of the Earth, but it’s another 100 years before there’s a conclusive proof that at some point during the planet’s early history, the native, human DNA acquired an element of _something else_.

Something that came from the stars.

Just _which_ stars is a question that takes another 40 years to answer.

There are several candidate planets for the Elvan home worlds: Rivendell, Lindon, Lorien, Mirkwood. All of them supported life once, some still do – according to samples brought back by the probes.

By then Earth is overpopulated to a breaking point, so it’s not surprising that movements like “Earth for Humans” gain support quickly.

Not that anyone feels any less human, regardless, or perhaps in line with what the science says: the overall impact of the rogue gene fragment on person’s physical or mental attributes is smaller than that of their eye-colour. These are completely artificial distinctions, created by those who want to see them.

And yet, there is no denying of the impact they have on society.

The elvans are the first ones to leave. Pooling resources and ideas, already heavily involved in private and public space programmes. They leave in small groups, one ship at a time, to explore life in another world.

After that, the Dwarvan departure seems to be only a matter of time.

 

\---

 

“Tell me who woke up since my last time, how long for and what they were up to.”

COMMANDER THORIN DURIN. 2 TIMES. 47 DAYS IN TOTAL, 15 AND 32 DAYS RESPECTIVELY. STUDY OF SHIP’S LOGS, MINOR COURSE CORRECTIONS, LIGHT SYSTEMS DIAGNOSTIC, PODS DIAGNOSTIC. 3 DATABASE ENQUIRIES, 2 BREADCRUMBS FIRED, PERSONAL ACTIVITIES.

Fili stabs his luke-warm spaghetti hoops and chews thoughtfully for a moment, not really registering the taste. As always, the empty ship is a challenge to adjust to, after the constant noise and activity of Earth he still remembers.

MECHANIC BOFUR KERFUR. 1 TIME. 6 DAYS IN TOTAL. COMPLETE SYSTEMS DIAGNOSTIC. COMPLETE ENGINES DIAGNOSTIC, MINOR ENERGY RE-ROUTING, PODS DIAGNOSTIC, PERSONAL ACTIVITIES.

Fili nods. Bofur would be one of the people on the mandatory 25 years checks.

MEDIC OIN BOYSEN. 1 TIME. 17 DAYS IN TOTAL. STUDY OF MEDICAL RECORDS, ONE IN-POD SURGERY, 2 INNOCULATIONS, 23 DATABASE ENQUIRIES, 4 MEDICAL CASE STUDIES, PODS DIAGNOSTIC, PERSONAL ACTIVITIES.

“Who had the surgery?”

SPECIALIST BOMBUR.

“Was it serious?”

LOCALISED CRYSTALISATION IN LEFT KIDNEY.

“Alright, carry on.”

SECOND PILOT KILI DURIN.

“Pause.” Fili freezes with his plate tipped precariously over the organic waste disposal unit. He closes his eyes and exhales slowly.

_Kili was awake._

“Continue.”

1 TIME. 9 DAYS IN TOTAL.

_Kili was awake for 9 whole days! Did he watch Fili sleep? Of course he did._

STUDY OF SHIP’S LOGS, MINOR COURSE CORRECTIONS, LIGHT SYSTEMS DIAGNOSTIC, PODS DIAGNOSTIC. 51 DATABASE ENQUIRIES, PERSONAL ACTIVITIES.

Fili grins. That sounds about right. Kili gets bored easily and having no-one else for company, is sure to bombard the AI with queries. Fili likes to imagine that to Gandalf Kili is the problem child of the crew, the AI surely heaving the metaphorical sigh of relief each time Kili goes to sleep again.

“Re-play all 51 enquiries from second pilot, complete with responses,” he orders, grabbing the data pad with ship’s logs and making himself comfortable on top of the seats in the common room.

 

\---

 

Fili remembers their life in the Blue Mountains.

A place, which up until recently they called home, where what’s in your genes matters a lot less than whether you can pilot a jet-freight or not.

As a part of the Transantarctic mountain range, Blue Mountains are revealed for the first time when the glaciers are harvested for a fresh water supply. The landscape tends to be bleak, except for the short summer months when the seeds thousands and millions years old germinate in the uncovered soil once more, resulting in spectacular, primordial meadows.

But it’s not so much what is on the ground, as what hides beneath it, that attracts people here. Virtually all of the Earth’s last remaining deposits of oil and gas stretch under the mountains, carefully contracted for and expected in steady supply, on time, every time.

Compared to the rest of the world, Blue Mountains are a place of peace and rugged beauty. Because of its rocky, unstable terrain and soil unsuitable for conventional excavation, there are no skyscrapers here, hanging cities or underground complexes. There are only domes – basic, well –insulated, easy to move around as required, although even those are in high demand nowadays, when a square foot of soil is worth on average 10 years’ wages.

Sure, like everywhere else, the goods in the Blue Mountains come in three prices: elvan, dwarvan and human, and the same applies to wages, but with the community overwhelmingly dwarvan, it hardly seems to matter.

They have made a home here; they’ve built a new life for themselves, a life of peace, and plenty.

So it’s no surprise that even when the candidate planet for the dwarvan home world is announced, Blue Moutains carry on with their hustle and bustle as normal.

They call it Erebor - there’s just the one so far, in a galaxy hundreds of millions of light years away. With the current technological advancement, given a couple of years and outrageous figures of investment, it might just about be possible to send some colonists up there.

If one could find someone insane enough to try it, that is – even with all the best quantum engines in existence, the journey would take centuries.

 

\---

 

“ETA.”

73 YEARS, 88 DAYS, 6 HOURS AND 42 MINUTES. PROBABILITY FACTOR –

“Don’t wanna know.” Fili scratches at his beard, eyeing the panel in front of him. “So that’s what? Two more sleeps? Or should we make it three?”

Thorin doesn’t know that Fili hacked his crio module to wake up once every 25 years, regardless of the calls AI makes every now and then when it needs someone’s input or skillset. Or perhaps he does know if, like Fili, he’s been monitoring the Quest’s activity during his own sleeps. It’s a risk every time he does it – not everyone makes it. The research suggests that each awakening is like aging mentally 2 years, as the brain struggles to catch up on and reconcile decades of subconsciousness and dreams.

Which is why, no matter how much Fili wants to, he doesn’t involve his brother in his little scheme.

They started with over 70 colonists; now they’re down to 26. It turns out that even if the ship’s systems have more or less passed the test of time, the med-tech needed a couple more years before they set off.

“Do you envisage any points in our remaining journey when you’re likely to need me or Kili?

I’M SORRY, I’M NOT ABLE TO GIVE ACCURATE RESPONSE AT THIS TIME.

“Alright, alright,” finally satisfied that there are no signs of leakage or nano-chip failure, Fili crawls out from under Kili’s pod. It’s the last one, because he knows that if he started with his brother, nobody else would get checked. “We’ll make it two. That way it will seem to go quicker.”

If someone asked Fili why he was doing it, he wouldn’t be able to give an accurate response either.

After his very first sleep – 63 years before Gandalf decided he needed Fili – he nearly didn’t wake up at all. It was like a nightmare that somehow held him in its grip as he dropped in and out of consciousness, fighting some invisible enemies. Even when Oin, hastily defrosted to try and save his life, shot him full psycho-stimulants, Fili remained firmly lost in his own head.

He finally reacted to the stimulus of pain, zapped with the good, old-fashioned electricity, blue eyes flying open, gasp tearing out of his lungs.

They worked through it afterwards, spending a few weeks building up Fili’s defences and coping mechanisms, but one thing became clear: he needed to keep an eye on his brother.

It kept him alive.

He considers for a moment, then writes, “I wish you could share my dreams with me,” on the little pink sticky note, planting it firmly on the side of the visor of Kili’s pod.

He sighs, resting his cheek on the cool surface of the plexi glass, his eyes following familiar lines of Kili’s face.

His brother always looks so stern when he sleeps.

“I’m forgetting what your skin feels like. How you move, some stupid music blearing out from speakers, and you dancing,” he whispers, fingertips some 20 centimetres above the strand of hair he wants to brush aside. “It must be over…” Fili ponders for a moment, calculating in his head, even though he could ask the AI “- 250 years since I last touched you.”

There’s nothing but silence, from Kili, across the hibernation deck, the ship, the entire goddamn galaxy probably.

“At least that last kiss was a damn good one,” he smiles, remembering Thorin’s outraged expression when, mostly out of their clothes for the hibernation by that point, Kili ran up to him and snogged the living daylights out of Fili.

He curls up a little, one arm wrapping around the pod in lieu of warm shoulders and overly long limbs.

Some would argue whether it’s a kiss at all, when Fili presses his lips to the cool plexi-glass like he’s done a dozen times before. There’s no warmth, no breath, no pleased little noise he’s so used to. But in Fili’s head it’s been about a month and a half in total and they’ve never been apart this long before, so the kisses just are as crucial to Fili’s survival as oxygen or radiation filters.

“I love you, baby. I’ll be right here. I’ll always be here with you.”

 

\---

 

They can fly pretty much anything that is capable of flight.

Fili is the first one to catch the bug and there are records of him barely 5, sitting in his dad’s lap, piloting a small cruiser with an expression of furious focus on his face. Of course, as soon as Kili is able to understand what it was that Fili is doing, he wants to do it too.

By the time they’re in high school the competition is in full swing, both of them getting a licence after a licence, each trying to out-do the other performing increasingly more stupid stunts, which should cost them their life.

Somehow, in that weird, incomprehensible way the universe has, neither of them dies. It does though turn them into one pair of brilliant pilots.

They start kissing and groping in a natural extension of the adrenaline and laughter buzzing in their veins each time they land. But then they don’t stop or even pause, after the door closes and they’re left alone.

Instead they dive head first into that crazy love they have for each other, push, argue, make love and hold on, perfectly content with what they’re doing.

“They practically revolve around each other. Who else were they going to fall in love with?” their mother often says.

Not everyone is as understanding as Dis, but even after some parts of their family cut all ties, it doesn’t stop them loving the simple life they’ve made for themselves.

On some level it’s a tragedy that the only things they’re flying nowadays is the bulky and highly explosive cargo over the bleak Antarctic landscape.

But it’s also the reason why Thorin goes to all the trouble of meeting them face to face after close to a decade with no contact.

“We’re going to claim Erebor as our own, climb out of this overexploited, petty little planet. And we’re going to make a new home there. We have a ship, the Quest – it’s nothing fancy, but it does need someone flying it. I’m working on compiling the list of colonists right now.”

They listen to him with hard, wary eyes and they don’t give their response immediately.

“We want you to admit that you were wrong. About Fili and me. To take the time to understand us. And we want - _I_ want you to support us. Truly and without questioning our choices.”

“And I want to know everything you know about the risks, safety of that ship and every scrap of information about that planet that we have. Kili wants to know if there might be trees. And if we’ll be allowed to live out our lives how we want to, after the dust has settled.”

In the end they agree to go because they want something better for each other than just _getting by_ ; it’s a new beginning and a chance at life, together, that they couldn’t dream of otherwise.

They go because they love each other.

 

\---

 

“Play the song.”

Fili always tries to stretch thoroughly before he goes to sleep, as if the little exercise could somehow be of benefit to him when he wakes up again decades later.

 _First time we meet again_  
_So much we’ve been through_  
_I’m amazed, I’m amazed._

What Fili means by ‘the song’ is by now hard-coded into AI’s protocols. Kili would laugh and call it his ‘lullaby’, though he’d also look him in the eye and perhaps pull him into a hug; it was Kili’s favourite before it was Fili’s.

In either case, Kili would understand.

He reaches for the zip of his suit and slowly peels it off his body, the AI automatically raising the deck’s temperature to make it a bit more comfortable.

Falling asleep is the nice part, at least compared to waking up. The gas inside the pod makes him drop naturally into deep slumber and dream for a little while, before the needles get started on sucking the life back out of him and the crio-freeze initiates.

He counts himself back from 10 just like Oin taught him, each number a pulse of a memory of something Kili said or did before they left on this insane voyage. He falls into things that bring him comfort and dreams in quiet little hopes for the life yet to come.

GOODNIGHT, FILI.

 

\---

 

“Mnnnn.”

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

“It’s the time to be asleep. Get in with me or leave me to my dreams.”

“Alright. Shove over.”

He’s grumpy, but they both know that he likes knowing as soon as Kili is back.

“Blanket too.”

“Right, sorry. Better?”

He presses his nose into Kili’s shoulder and draws a pleased, deep breath. Kili’s feet are like ice of course, so he helpfully kicks their gel heating pad towards him.

“Better.”

“You look tired.”

“There was a fire so they woke me up once already.”

“Poor Fee,” Kili’s fingers carding through his hair makes Fili want to moan in quiet pleasure. “Anything serious?”

“S’sorted.”

“You look so content like this, you know. All pliant, comfortable and warm. Go back to sleep, Fee. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

He curls up closer and sighs when Kili wraps an arm around his waist and back. He wants to ask – _How was your run? Did you have any troubles?_ but instead for some reason what his mind actually settles on is:

“Are you real? Are you actually here?”

Kili snorts. “Of course.”

And if there was any doubt, their kiss is real enough.

 

\---

 

 _First time we meet again_  
_So much we’ve been through_  
_I’m amazed, I’m amazed._

 _Your hair falls right in place_  
_You smile and whisper_  
_How you've been, how you've been._

 _I know the world goes round, round, round_  
_We fall apart, we fall to the ground._  
_I know the world goes round, round, round_  
_Look at my eyes, together we'll rise, together we'll rise._

 _I want you to know_  
_There'll be a place_  
_Right in my heart_  
_Right in the head_  
_I want you to know_

 _You lay on my chest, once again._  
_Is this a dream or_  
_Am I awake? I'm awake!_

 _The touch of my hand, on your face_  
_The taste of your lips_  
_I'm amazed, I'm amazed!_

 _I know the world goes round, round, round_  
_We fall apart, we fall to the ground._  
_I know the world goes round, round, round_  
_Look at my eyes, together we'll rise, together we'll rise._

 _I want you to know_  
_There'll be a place_  
_Right in my heart_  
_Right in the head_  
_I want you to know_

 

\---


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 was a gift for Gosia Mahoney.
> 
> Chapter 2 was a gift for Vennor.
> 
> **There is a song that goes with this ficlet. You can find it[here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugQgIsKU-DY)**

_Here I'll stay_  
_Till I find my way_  
_When all is lost_  
_I need you the most_

 _Where I am?_  
_I don't seem to know_  
_I lost my path_  
_I've lost my hope_

 _Take me to the place where you go_  
_And stay beside me_  
_And make it stop_

 _Sometimes you lose_  
_Sometimes you win_  
_Sometimes it's hard to see the end_  
_But it's okay_  
_You're not alone_  
_Cause you've got me_  
_We've got this song_

 _All I see_  
_Is a part of me_  
_Just a pair of eyes_  
_I fail to recognise_

 _Who am I?_  
_I don't seem to care_  
_I lost control_  
_I've lost it all_

 _Take me to the place where you go_  
_And stay beside me_  
_And make it stop_

 _Sometimes you lose_  
_Sometimes you win_  
_Sometimes it's hard to see the end_  
_But it's okay_  
_You're not alone_  
_Cause you've got me_  
_We've got this song_

 

\---

 

“Remember the meteorite shower? There were so many, like explosions, bright flashes and smudged stars. And we just… lay there on the bare Antarctic rock and stared. I remember, it felt like the entire sky belonged just to us. That was the first time you held my hand, not like _ever_ of course, but first time _like that_. And you didn’t say anything, but somehow I just knew. It was you with me back then; it was going to be you with me always.”

Soft, warm, brown eyes. Creased with laughter.

Fili wonders sometimes if it might be possible to love a dream. Because he loves, with all of himself, could probably learn to love even Kili’s shadow or the exact outline of Kili’s steps.

It’s all he has left, all he’s been reduced to, lost among the uncaring stars and unending dreams torturing him with their emptiness.

He closes his eyes, twin tears running down his temples.

“Feels odd to think that now we _are_ one of those tiny dots in the sky.”

INJECTING WAKE UP COCTAIL.

Needles piercing his arms and torso, pushing inside his organs, pumping nutrients and activators inside him, his fingertips twitching against the pain.

“Fili? Oh Fili, you always _were_ a light sleeper. Gandalf, put him back under.”

 _No_ , Fili thinks stubbornly. _Stay._

TEMPORARY ANAESTHESIA INITIATED AS PER THE SLOW AWAKENING PROTOCOLS.

“Shhhh… I won’t have it hurt, not when it doesn’t have to. Just a little bit longer Fili, just… hang in there. I’ll be right here with you.”

The gas takes only a moment to fill the space inside the plexi-glass, stripping away everything and leaving him all alone once more.

He tries to scream, tries to cling to the pain, so the hazel-coloured kindness won’t be taken away, but his body simply doesn’t have the strength.

_Stay._

_Don’t leave me._

_Please._

 

  
\---

 

The nights in the Blue Mountains can be merciless.

Fili is no stranger to loneliness; he walks in tight circles, trapped by the transparent dome of their 5x5 meter pod, fingers skimming over the exact height where Kili keeps bumping his head, eyes tracing the bare Antarctic landscape, dotted sparingly in places with warm glow of other pods. He sits heavily on top of the mattress set out in the middle, among rumpled sheets and hangs his head, giving in to the sleeplessness which will pick him apart.

Even for a jet-freight, it’s a 3 day cruise to Las Estrellas and back, including a minimum of a 12 hour break after delivery to be able to pilot it back. Sometimes they manage to swap their shifts so they’re away at the same time, occasionally even racing each other in the same direction, but more often than not they simply resign themselves to 2 nights apart, before several spent together.

“You know, whenever you look up, you see the same stars as me,” Kili points out one cold evening, when they’re huddled together under the covers for warmth and closeness. “They always make me think of you, sharing one sky.”

It keeps him sane during the weeks and months and years of ‘the best they could hope for’ life.

Except of course, waking up at minimum once every 25 years on a ship with quantum engines and out of synch once more, their stars are no longer aligned.

 

\---

 

He’s brought back to life with a kiss.

It’s light, merely a press of warm lips against his own, chaste, with the faintest scratch of stubble.

Such a gentle, little thing and yet to Fili it’s the greatest kindness anyone has ever shown him, when it gives him back his consciousness and with it, control.

Soft, warm, brown eyes. Brimming with longing.

“Kee…” he croaks, the need to fix this flaring like fire inside his veins, stronger than the desolation in his soul, stronger than anything. In that moment Fili exists purely to save his brother.

He lifts a hand and sinks it into the riot of chocolate-coloured hair, pulls Kili closer, and shivers when his lips meet the only ones he ever wants to kiss. They hesitate for a second, allow a soft brush of skin against skin, before centuries of loneliness are banished with another kiss, slower, deeper, a gentle slide of a wet tongue against tongue.

_A true love’s kiss._

“Fili, I –“

Kili chokes on his next words and Fili simply holds him as close as he can, stunned, desperate and unashamed of his own tears flowing freely, and the only thing he knows is –

“I love you,” he murmurs low and aching. “Are you real?”

The hoarse laughter sounds a bit hysterical. “Yeah. Yeah, I am, Fee. And God, I love you too. I’ve missed you _so much_.”

More kisses to the corner of his mouth, and tears, and smiles, and all of Kili’s places pressed flush to all the right places of his own – arms, legs, flat stomach, sharp hips, heartbeat and breaths. Curled up on top of him, next to him, under his skin almost, as close as Kili can be, in a jigsaw they worked out a long time ago.

It’s the most fragile Fili has ever felt: suspended between unquenchable hope and devastating fear that it will all be taken away.

“I dreamt about this… so many times,” he murmurs, taking a shaky breath.

“Oh yeah, the tell! Oin did say you’d need it. Give me your hand,” Kili demands.

Fili does, watches him produce a syringe needle, locks eyes with him, mesmerized, as the tip pricks the pad of his index finger, causing a bright spark of a very real pain.

 _It’s over. I have been saved_.

He stares at the little bead of blood, momentarily stunned by the flood of gratitude and relief, while Kili uses the same needle to prick himself, then lines their hands up exactly, letting the red mix across their skin.

“There. A blood pact!” Kili declares, grinning. “Now you have to believe me, and I promise you that I’m real! Welcome home, Fee.”

“You’re too old for blood pacts,” Fili tells him, but he’s smiling too, eyes sliding closed once more, now that his curse has been lifted. “Thank you,” he breathes, giving in to what his heart wants and pulling Kili into another crushing hug. “For waking me up.”

“Well, there was going to be a fight, if anyone else tried it before me,” Kili chuckles, perfectly happy to have his breath squeezed out of his lungs. “Luckily I had the first dibs, since I was the one to land us down. It was always going to be me, Fee.”

Somewhere, in the back of Fili’s mind a thought appears: they must have arrived at their destination. It should be important, it should _matter_ , he thinks, except it doesn’t, not now, when he has all he ever wanted inside his arms.

“Stay,” he whispers instead.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

\---

 

“I wish you were there with me, when I first saw this world. I could try and describe it, but – I’m not even sure I’d have the right words. There are so many trees here, like whole colonies of them…”

“Forests. They used to call ‘em ‘forests’,” Fili supplies helpfully and nuzzles his nose closer against Kili’s neck, chasing his scent through the annoying tinge of antibacterial wash.

“See? Told you!”

“Kili, you’ll be there when _I_ first see it. And my every moment after. I promise I won’t even peek until you’re ready to show me.”

“Deal.”

 

\---

 

“So you landed us down?” Fili’s eyes scan the atmospheric readings, but without any real interest – it will take more than the primaries to conclusively evaluate the composition.

“I did,” Kili nods, poking aimlessly at the soil samples. “Nice and gentle. Sweet canyon, cosy and sheltered.”

Fili wriggles his toes sticking out of the blanket he’s wrapped in. Unlike Kili, he hasn’t bothered with a suit, content instead with soft fabric against his skin. Having been woken up in the slow mode, he’s still sleepy and Kili told him sternly to take it easy for a few days. So Fili is taking his time, _lounging_.

“Surely, the protocol would dictate that the _first_ pilot lands the Quest,” he frowns, puzzled.

“I asked. Gandalf said something about letting you have a lie-in after you kept waking up.”

Brown eyes catch blue and Fili shifts his leg to reveal one hairy calf dangling over the seat’s arm-rest in a bid to distract Kili from the question he hasn’t asked yet.

“I swear this AI does whatever he wants,” Fili says instead, rolling his eyes. “And then you disregarded him in turn, waking me up first, instead of Thorin.”

“Tell me you would have done differently.”

“No, between me and Thorin, I’d definitely pick me too.”

Kili laughs and Fili delights in the carefree brilliance of it. He will never know how he survived centuries without the sound of it.

“Besides, I’m the love of your life,” Kili murmurs, low and meaningful, but his eyes betray him with a playful glimmer. “I’m pretty sure I’m contractually obliged to pine for you.”

“And I’m the love of yours. I’m hardly going to blame you for not being able to restrain yourself.”

Kili cracks first, instantly in Fili’s personal space and kissing him right on that bubbling laughter once more.

He likes this kiss, carefully files it away for safekeeping, along with all the other ones.

“Gandalf, how many trees have you counted so far?” Brown eyes lock with blue again, silently challenging when Kili’s fingers slip into Fili’s hair and scratch lightly against his scalp.

Fili stifles a moan, but only just, challenging him right back instead, tracing the line of the suit’s zip.

763448 WITH A TRUNK DIAMETER INDICATING THE AGE OF 10 YEARS OR MORE AND COUNTING.

“He’d be faster analysing the air, if you’d let him drop it,” Fili points out, amused. “You know, so we could actually think about going outside?”

Kili freezes where he’s nibbling at his beard, blanket already pushed off one of Fili’s shoulders.”Thorin will have kittens when he learns we’ve let ourselves out.”

“Only if he catches us.”

For a moment the prospect of making out balances evenly with the prospect of getting off the ship and claiming the first few steps in this new world, but they never _could_ resist their curiosity -

“Cancel the tree-counting query, focus on the atmospheric readings.”

ATMOSPHERIC ANALYSIS COMPLETE. COMPOSITION: NITROGEN: 77% -

“Is it breathable for us?” Fili interrupts the AI, impatient in the face of a lapful of a wildly excited Kili.

WITH SOME DIFFICULTY.

“Huh?!” Fili blinks. “What are the chances…?! Actually, don’t answer that. Describe the difficulties and possible symptoms instead.” He frowns. Theoretically the ship’s filters are designed to run indefinitely, but in reality they have been working for over 350 years now and whatever comes out of them is already thin and stuffy.

THE ATMOSPHERE OF THIS PLANET IS 11.3% CLEANER THAN THAT OF EARTH’S. IT WILL TAKE AN ESTIMATED 2 YEARS 3 MONTHS AND 21 DAYS BEFORE YOUR LUNGS EXPAND SUFFICIENTLY TO GROW ACCLIMATISED. SYMPTOMS MAY INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO: HYPERVENTILATION, DIZZINESS, INCREASED ALERTNES, ANXIETY –

“Wait, wait, wait, wait! So you’re saying that it’s actually better for us than at home?” They both freeze, waiting for the response.

AFFIRMATIVE.

The scramble for the outside is mad, their shoulders bumping into each other in the doorways, and Fili nearly trips over his blanket, twice. It never occurs to them that one should be ahead of the other – they’ll do this together, like everything else. It takes a moment for them to confirm and re-confirm all their various authorisation codes to open the rear gate, but then they move in synch, hands clasped tight, eyes squinting against the bright light.

They take the step, their hearts wild and pounding.

The world outside stuns them.

Everything is just… _more_.

The colours are brighter, even in their bleak, rocky surroundings, silence interrupted only by the wind is incomprehensible, and it feels like there’s just more… _air_ in the air, making them choke and cough and double over from the sudden influx of oxygen.

They only make it a short distance over the rocky ground, before they have to sit down heavily, but it’s enough. It won’t be long until the steps of others and angry yelling will follow them, but for a few long minutes they claim the entire planet for themselves – legs dangling off the edge of a cliff, Fili barefoot, still tangled in his blanket, Kili in his suit but with the zip somewhat slipped open, holding hands, as they try to take in this new, alien world.

It’s in that moment that they realise that whatever other problems they encounter, to have been able to give each other _this_ , their journey was worth it.

 

\---

 

They considered, so many times back home, what Erebor might be like.

They envisaged a lifeless, dusty terrain, perhaps some sources of water deep underground that might be tapped into, and a colony of pods hidden in some cave somewhere.

They memorised countless emergency scenarios, took courses in biology, geology, agriculture, chemistry, engineering, spent hours and hours practicing on each other: how to patch up a torn suit in space or toxic atmospheric conditions, how to control panic in the face of diminishing resources, how to recognise the early symptoms of an oncoming mental breakdown (though that last one was as obvious to them as if they were leaving each other memos).

They trained and trained and trained, trying to prepare for every eventuality, juggling various courses with work, often feeling too tired for anything more than a few lazy kisses and a few quiet words.

And now that they’re here the planet is lush like some dreamt-up paradise.

So they’re making love.

AIR FILTERS AT 79%.

“Gandalf, get out of our room and go bother someone else,” Fili growls, canting his hips _just so_ and watching, enraptured, as Kili’s face twists in pleasure, his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.

I HAVE NO PHYSICAL PRESENCE WHICH COULD BE RE-LOCATED. IF FURTHER ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED, PLEASE REPEAT YOUR COMMAND.

“You like that, baby? Right there? Is that good?”

NO PREFERENCES PROGRAMMED. WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCESS THE MAIN MENU?

“Hnnn… Yes. Yes, that’s it, _so good_ , Fili. Uhn –“

MAIN MENU. PLEASE SELECT FROM THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS –“

“AI: terminate,” Fili huffs distractedly - _what the hell was the command again?!_ \- pushes up a little with his feet - “You want it, Kee? C’mon, move, baby. I know you like to feel it.”

PLEASE REPEAT YOUR COMMAND.

“Get out!!” Kili shouts, before dissolving into giggles and then, almost immediately, desperate pants from the way the movement makes him feel.

PLEASE REPEAT –

“OUT!!”

 

\---

 

They spend their first full year living on the ship, inside a cave, tapping to a deep underground water supply.

Theirs is the one and only chance and it doesn’t make sense to risk it, until all seasons planet-wise are thoroughly documented, climate, terrain and potential dangers are analysed, distribution of resources mapped out and everybody is thoroughly fed up with staying put.

It’s a year filled with hard work and sacrifices – there’s no denying it. With so many crew-members lost, the strain on remaining colonists is far greater than anybody could have ever envisaged: they fall back even on their more obscure knowledge, even in the areas that aren’t actually their field of expertise.

They all have two or even three separate roles now, to try and compensate for the skillsets they have lost.

That’s how Kili finds himself spending some time with their mother, overseeing the little seeds they brought with them germinate, and then thrive in this new, wonderfully rich air. He puts in many hours and sleepless nights picking apart the chemistry when their beans refuse to co-operate; he runs to Fili when their first potato bulb emerges from the rocks and dirt they collected and passed to Gandalf to modify to resemble real soil.

Fili often finds him in the greenhouse module, hair pulled into a haphazard pony tail, head pillowed on his arms, as he glares some of the more difficult seedlings into growing right.

Fili himself is training as a second medic and psychologist, since Oin lost most of his med-corp contingent during their journey. It helps, having had to deal with some of his own issues and understanding how sometimes just an honest conversation is enough to ground a person. He pulls quite a few all-nighters of his own, memorising various symptoms, drug lists, treatments, possible side effects, techniques and psychology theories.

It’s exhausting, but also incredibly rewarding – neither Fili nor Kili ever thought they’d take this path, working so hard to achieve more than they ever dreamt of.

Then there’s another six months of living in pods, spread out and interconnected on the cave floor, still hidden deep inside the mountain. Thankfully by then Thorin drops the order to wear suits.

There are still numerous challenges to overcome, and they think they’ll spend the rest of their lives learning new skills and fighting for survival, but it feels good to be able to sneak out every now and then to the very edge of their cave and plomp down with their legs dangling over the precipice like that very first day. Their eyes drink in the natural light of their new sun, map out the ragged edges of the landscape before them and slide closed, when their shoulder finds purchase against each other.

It’s undoubtedly _their_ spot, and sometimes, feeling whimsical, they wonder if the future generations might recognise it as place of some significance, or if it will just be forgotten, secondary to the site of the first landing nearby.

Finally, a year and a half after their arrival, Thorin allows the colony to move to a more strategically advantageous location. It takes another few weeks for Gandalf to chew through xenobytes of data and come up with the perfect spot: nestled within a lush valley in a temperate zone, teaming with local wildlife, on top of rich mineral deposits and with easy access to water from the stream running along its floor.

A place where a new civilisation might thrive, since the colony celebrates its first birth in the same year.

The first place where Fili and Kili feel truly free.

 

\---

 

“Mnnnn.”

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

“Sleeping’s good for you. Resets your synapses. Why are you even awake?”

“Because strawberries want early watering, before sun scorches them.”

“I have my needs too, you know. Move.”

He snuggles up against Kili’s shoulder, feeling content when a familiar arm wraps easily around his shoulders.

“Are you saying you’ll wilt too, if I don’t water you regularly?”

“Don’t know about watering, but I’ll definitely wither without your love.”

“Fat chance of that happening. You’re far too hot.”

“You just want me for my body.”

“And your sunny morning personality.”

Fili scoffs, pacified by the fingers brushing stray strands of hair away from his face.

He remembers a time when he would have given anything, _anything at all_ to wake up like this, safe and loved and free to open his eyes as he pleases. He’s no longer a prisoner of his own dreams, stronger now, and closer, truer to his Kili than ever before.

“How’s the baby?” Kili wants to know, his lips brushing against Fili’s forehead, simply because he knows that the little contact will bring his brother pleasure.

“Teething. It’s hell. I should have signed up to be a miner instead.”

“Now, now. Can’t be _that_ bad. Aren’t children meant to be our greatest joy and so on?”

“I’ve set up a rota for the parents and left them with sleeping pills, extra strong.”

“God, I love you being all competent.”

“Expression, Kili. Expression’s important. Give in, let your feelings be known. Kiss me.”

And Kili does, broad smiles and enthusiasm dispersing last vestiges of sleepiness.

 

\---

 

They miss flying something fierce.

It’s in their second year that Fili’s and Kili’s newfound chemical knowledge, combined with Gandalf’s vast database finally result in a formula for fuel that won’t kill their space hopper’s engines.

Or more accurately, it _shouldn’t_ kill the engines. Gandalf gives it 82.4% success rate. It’s the best they can hope for, considering what they’ve got available.

The only problem: it requires sea water, which means sacrificing some of their existing, precious fuel to perhaps brew some new one.

It’s a huge gamble and it takes them weeks of relentless nagging before Thorin finally caves in.

If their first flight in years is perhaps a bit more exuberant than it strictly speaking should be – crazy pirouettes around each other in the sky free of traffic control, wild laughter over the radio and something of a race across the landscape never seen by human eye before – they will hear all about it only upon their return.

“Gandalf? You know how the air here is better for us than on Earth?” Fili asks over the comms, eyes squinting against the sun reflected in the vastness of blue spread before them. “Purely theoretically, would the sea here be clean enough to swim in it, per chance?”

“And is there anything living in it, that might be dangerous to us?” Kili adds seamlessly, his mind easily picking up the thread of Fili’s thoughts.

ANALYSING. CHEMICAL COMPOSITION SUITABLE FOR SHORT-TERM EXPOSURE, THOUGH DETRIMENTAL IF INGESTED IN LARGE QUANTITIES.

“No drinking, got it,” Fili agrees.

THERE ARE SEVERAL SPECIES DISPLAYING PREDATORY CHARACTERISTICS, BUT INSUFFICIENT DATA AVAILABLE TO DETERMINE IF THEY MIGHT ATTACK HUMANS. CLOSEST INDIVIDUAL: 4.5 MILES TO THE NORTH-EAST.

They land on the beach of course, and decide that in the interest of science, they should provide their AI with some more data, try it out, so to speak.

It’s the first time they bathe in the sea, in _anything_ really, considering the water shortages and pollution in the world they grew up in. They waddle, splash, jump the waves and get sand in some very uncomfortable places when they sprawl out on the shore to dry, while the pumps siphon the water they need.

Thorin is of course _seething_ once they return, threatens to ban them from flying ever again, but all in all it’s worth every scowl and glare.

Six months and close to 70kg of various assorted plants collected by hand later, and their fuel is all distilled. They don’t know it yet, but they will come to know that quiet, unassuming day as their own, personal independence day.

The fuel is a hit, even increases engine’s performance somewhat, after some minor modifications.

It makes them free to brew even more.

It gives them their wings back.

 

\---

 

“Do you ever regret it?” Fili asks one night, his back pressed against bare rock, eyes trained on the sky. “All that time we were forced apart, the near-misses, the risks we’re still running. Leaving home… everyone we knew is long dead now, except those few people we took with us. We could, in fact, be the last people alive in the universe.”

“I don’t like thinking about it,” Kili admits finally, his hand inside Fili’s own squeezing gently. “And if we are, then I’m glad you’re here with me.”

“But do you regret it?”

A moment of silence. Eventually - “That’s just how it goes, isn’t it?” He shrugs. “Opportunities are always paid for with risks and emotional turmoil. But if we hadn’t taken that first step towards the horizon once upon a time, we wouldn’t be human today. And if us being here today isn’t a proof that dwarvans are perfectly human, then I don’t know what is.” Kili rolls over then, giving up on watching the meteorite shower, to watch Fili’s face instead. “I wish I could magically take away all the anguish you felt, the loneliness, and the time we lost on Earth. I regret those. But it made us stronger, _strong enough_ to survive, and for that I’m grateful.”

They are momentarily distracted, when a particularly bright flash cuts the sky above them. These are brand new stars they watch nowadays, and they’re only a fraction done with naming the constellations.

“I don’t know if I should admire you for being able to say this, or if I should feel guilty that I allowed you to grow up enough to see it this way,” Fili whispers, his eyes soft and sad.

“You’re my older brother, Fee. Normally you’d just make fun of me.”

He wraps one arm around Kili’s trim waist and pulls him flush, ignoring the rocks poking him in the ribs. “Normally you give me something to work with,” he mutters, before kissing Kili so he won’t be able to come up with some clever response.

 

\---

 

They discover gliding in those early days, when they still have to ration their fuel, as one exhilarating way to make it last longer.

They only dare to glide over the mountains, and only one way, with their tanks empty, killing the engines and using the natural winds rising along the peaks to carry them for over 150 km. It’s something of a running contest between them to see who can keep their engines off for longer, relying on their skill alone to ride the wind as far as possible.

Except one day one of their fuel batches becomes contaminated, rendering it useless and forcing them to take only one space hopper to re-supply.

Not that this will stop Kili from coming along.

He simply climbs into the cockpit after Fili and then makes himself comfortable in his lap.

“You can’t be serious!” Fili protests.

“You’re right, this is my laughing face,” Kili agrees, trying to work out how to strap in Fili’s safety harness with minimal impact to his own comfort.

“We are _not_ flying like this!”

“Why not? The hopper has no problems taking the weight of a full tank, I’m sure one calorie-conscious dwarvan won’t make any difference.”

“For starters I can’t see!” Fili blows on a dark strand already caught in his beard to illustrate his point.

Helpfully, Kili pulls his hair into a pony tail, then crosses his arms on his chest, eyebrow raised.

“I can’t reach the controls.”

It takes some finagling with the seat settings, but eventually it’s doable.

“How are we going to strap you in, hm?!”

“We won’t, it’ll be fine.”

“But what if we have to eject?!”

“You will hold onto me very, very tightly and you won’t let me go, come hell or high water.”

“The ‘chute –“

“We won’t have to eject, we never have, in the whole history of both our flying careers!”

“Today will be the day, then…”

“Fili!”

“You’re heavy.”

“Now that’s just hurtful.”

“I can’t feel my toes already.”

Kili narrows his eyes. “If you think you’re leaving me behind, while you go off to frolic in the ocean, then you have another thing coming! And if you’re so concerned about health and safety, then why don’t I go and fill her up, and you can stay behind and watch my fumes.”

Fili bites his lip, before rolling his eyes and finally giving in. “Fine!” he snaps. “Take a deep breath.”

“What? Why?!”

“Presumably, they haven’t designed these with only the hot and slim people in mind. There must be a way of adjusting the harness to strap us both in.”

It’s a tight fit and not a very comfortable ride, but if Fili is absolutely honest with himself, there’s something romantic in the way Kili curls up in his arms as Fili takes them along a course he knows by heart. In the end his brother is sitting facing backwards, pressed flush against Fili’s chest and with legs on either side of his hips.

Fili can think of worse positions they’ve been in.

“Ready?” he murmurs, having climbed to an optimal height and already fighting against the wind which is trying to wrestle control from him.

“Do it,” Kili whispers right in his ear, causing a delicious shiver down his spine and several rather belated questions regarding Fili’s self-control and focus.

He flicks the switch and suddenly they’re suspended, sailing gently, quietly on the currents. It never fails to take their breath away, no matter how many times they do it – this feeling of weightlessness among the grandeur of the snow-covered peaks and deep, rugged valleys.

It’s an instinct to press one hand between Kili’s shoulder blades, to keep him safe and close, using his other one to nudge them into a very broad, sweeping curve along the ridge lift.

He gets a small rumble of approval for his troubles, feels Kili’s whole body relax on top of his own, Kili’s arms coming up to wrap themselves around Fili’s shoulders, his chin propped up on one of them.

“If I knew it would feel like this I would have made you fly me places a long time ago,” his brother murmurs, something like wonder, adoration and love in his voice.

“Not a chance,” Fili scoffs, even as his mind acknowledges the sudden influx of easy happiness, as he closes his eyes and allows himself to just _feel_ the way the hopper behaves, applying tiny adjustments with nothing more than brushes of his fingers.

They have never been anything but honest about each other’s piloting skills, but it still feels humbling that Kili would trust him, unconditionally, with his life; that he should leave Fili to do whatever he wants, some 25,000 feet above ground, and just enjoy the ride.

They dance like that for a while, skimming skilfully over thermals and various lifts, occasionally tilting to harness some new, unexpected airstream, their bodies tucked close, until their faces move towards each other, like sunflowers seeking the sun. Forehead to forehead, breathing the same air for a moment, before toying with the beginnings of a kiss, not quite fully committed, since they don’t want to actually fall out of the sky.

“Fili…” a whisper.

“I’ve got this,” and he really does, poised in his balance between watching the terrain, feeling the air currents and the low pulse of his love.

“No, I mean – Look!”

Fili blinks, scans their surroundings in alarm, but can’t see anything out of the ordinary. “Wha –“

“There! Right there! That _has_ to be man-made! There’s no way there are two of that – what is that? A statue?! –“

Kili is pointing now and Fili realises that no matter how much he tries to twist around, he will never be able to peer that far behind himself in his harness –

“- A giant, carved thing, _things_ \- on either side of that unnaturally flat rock face! I think that could be a gate! Gandalf! Wake up, old man! Activate! Wakey wakey!”

\- Which also explains why they never spotted whatever it is that Kili thinks he’s seeing before. They would have flown overhead too fast with their engines on, during their return journey, and just couldn’t look behind them while gliding.

“Two o’clock!” Kili is practically vibrating. “Record image! Keep recording!”

IMAGE CAPTURE ACTIVATED

“Eight! Eight o’clock,” Fili corrects. “Remember, you’re sitting the wrong way round!”

“Yes, eight! Project to screen! Actually, never mind, just get the coordinates!!”

Fili squints at the little image, which the AI faithfully projects onto his corner screen, thinks he can perhaps see _something_ that might be a silhouette, blurry and rapidly disappearing.

APPROXIMATE COORDINATES RECORDED. RANGE: 5 KM.

IMAGE RENDERING ACTIVATED. ANALYSING…

CONFIRMED.

STRUCTURES DO NOT APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN SHAPED NATURALLY, SUGGESTING A NATIVE, SENTIENT POPULATION. STATEMENT PROBABILITY: 63%.

Wide brown eyes meet blue. “We _have to_ go back, Fee!”

“Agreed, but remember how we had to take one hopper because half our fuel got contaminated?”

“ARRRRGGGH!!”

“Quite,” Fili chuckles, before leaning in to kiss the furious scowl on his brother’s face and starting the engines once more.

After all, the sooner they get their water, the sooner they will be able to start brewing more fuel.

 

\---


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Spring FRE 2019, prompt 78: Careful sex because someone is recently injured but still needs a good dicking.
> 
> Chapter 3 is a gift for Damnitfili / Girlmarvel. I'm sorry this took me so long. You deserve all the nice things and all the support from people who care about you. I hope you like it.
> 
> **There is a song that goes with this ficlet. You can find it[here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFh377W9zvY)**

_In every corridor that shifted the maze_  
_No single part of you was ever the same_  
_Now we’re so tired by the things we have seen_  
_All we’ve forgotten only visits in dreams_  
_How I misunderstood_  
_Here I stand undressed_  
_Here I confess my doubt_  
_Did you know that I would?_  
_From this fractured lens_  
_We’re unveiled again and again_

 _Sometimes I get the feeling I’m lost_  
_Just hiding it is never enough_  
_Now I find in every mirror a ghost_  
_Only once I saw the killer_  
_Once I saw the killer up close_

 _Heaven’s over now_  
_I know it’s gone_  
_I know it’s over now_  
_If colder heavens come_  
_Carry me further down_  
_Where our madness rests_  
_Where I’ll have less to doubt_  
_All I misunderstood_  
_My abandoned friend_  
_Our parade has already left…_

 

\---

 

A dragon was never meant to be a part of the equation.

“Scramble Kili, scramble! Get the fuck out of there!!”

They knew of course that there had to be _something_ that made their ancestors leave this planet in the first place. They just didn’t think it was still hanging around after all those millennia.

They should have never entered the mountain.

The two hoppers twist and turn in a deadly dance mid-air, searching for weaknesses, trying to distract, to buy each other time.

And then Fili sees fire.

“Incoming, Kee!” he warns, nose-diving on instinct a split second before the fireball shoots through the sky, vaguely registering his brother pulling up sharply behind him.

They are both damn good pilots, but this is beyond skill, testing their reactions to the very limit of what they’re capable of. They are much more nimble than the beast, but it would only take a single hit to take out a hopper and end either of their lives.

The dragon’s sheer destructive power is almost incomprehensible and it seems laughable that they should even try to fight it. Whatever happens, it can’t be allowed to find their settlement.

“You’d think he’d run out of juice eventually,” Kili hisses over the comms, but he sounds tense, not at all like Kili should sound.

Fili’s eyes scan the network of scales as he dives along the dragon’s chest. Gold – gold – gold – gold –

He blinks. It’s almost too fast to register, but there’s _something_ …

PROX –

Fili yanks the steering, grits his teeth as the deadly tail misses his left wing by a foot, maybe two. Close. _Too_ close.

“We’ll run out of fuel much sooner than he will. Make me a window.”

Kili doesn’t question; he simply does something stupid, throwing himself into a series of tight circles around the dragon’s head.

The problem is that there are no weapons on the hoppers; they’re research and exploration vessels after all.

“Close channel 3.”

MUTED.

“On my mark, eject the canopy.” Fili calmly sets the right trajectory for the tiny dark spot on the beast’s chest where a couple of scales are missing and gives it the beans. “10, 9, 8 –“

THE HOPPER IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE PILOTED WITHOUT THE CANOPY.

“Gandalf?”

YES?

“Look after Kili.”

I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO ‘LOOK AFTER’ ANYONE, MY DEAR BOY.

 _My dear boy?!_. “Just make sure he’s safe.”

ACKNO –

“Now!”

As the outside world slams into him like a wall, Fili’s consciousness loiters around just long enough for his fingers to dig into the safety harness release button.

It rips him out of his seat.

Dragon, hopper, sky, dragon -

WARN –

The pain explodes everywhere at once.

 

\---

 

“Fili!!”

He’s in the sky. Casual clothes, blond hair whipped by the wind, no protection. At 15,000 feet.

Right in front of Fili the dragon gets the full force of his hopper’s maximum thrust right to the chest. The machine disintegrates on impact, but doesn’t explode. Hoppers are designed to carry highly flammable fuel; they _implode_ instead. In this case, taking out a neat, spherical chunk of the existing world, which happens to incorporate some of the dragon’s chest and whatever damage makes it inside through the missing scales.

By some impossible coincidence Fili manages to miss the implosion, but not the dragon. He hits the sharp protrusions on its back with whatever impetus he happens to have in his free fall and bounces off like a rag doll.

“Gandalf!“

CALCULATING TRAJECTORY.

“ _Fuck_!!”

SURVIVAL CHANCES –

“Shut up!!”

Kili ducks his hopper under a furiously flapping wing and follows after his brother, for a moment deafened by an agonised roar. Somewhere behind him the ancient beast dies and enters into a free fall, but Kili couldn’t care less – his own heart and soul are also in free fall and not opening their chute.

APPROACH ON HEADING 0.739, RECOMMENDED THROTTLE –

Kili snarls, sets the heading and then cuts off his engines altogether. He’s much heavier inside the hopper and he can’t afford to overshoot, and anyway he doesn’t dare take the burning inferno of the exhaust anywhere near his brother’s prone form.

He’ll glide. Like they used to, together. And then he’ll –

What?

_Stay close. As close as possible. Try to save him somehow._

Until Fili’s life ends, inevitably, shattered across the sharp rocks below.

He lashes out, slamming his fists all over his cockpit in helpless – furydespairpanicdenial – until he almost takes himself off course and is forced to frantically correct it so he doesn’t miss his brother.

The chances of plucking someone straight out of the air are –

He doesn’t even know if this has _ever_ been done. He doesn’t know if he’s a good enough pilot to even try, or if he’ll just plough right into Fili, killing him instantly.

He bites his lip until he can taste blood and aligns his hopper as best he can with trembling hands.

“Eject the canopy.”

THE HOPPER IS NOT DESIGNED –

“Now!”

Kili reaches out a hand, registers sharp pain when the edge of plexi hits his forearm, snapping the bone, but his fingers close around fabric and hold on, even as it’s all yanked back from the sudden change in aerodynamics.

He screams at the safety harness cutting into his shoulders, agony in his arm, lack of air, lack of anything, but knows only to haul, with everything he’s got.

It’s a fraction easier, partly shielded by the cockpit, his other hand grabbing blindly and closing tightly around the heavy weight he fights to keep.

Fili’s safety harness strap –

Slip under his own –

Clip –

“Gandalf. Land… us…”

The world curls around the edges and slips from under him.

 

\---

 

Before it was dragons and death in the sky, it was –

Kili wakes up because he’s alone.

The pod is quiet and dark, except for the soft rustling sound of the leaves humming through the forest all around them. They have set their home some distance away from the others, cashing in on the good things they’ve been promised.

His bare feet traverse the darkness comfortably, following the familiar paths of Fili’s nocturnal rounds.

Kili finds him, sure enough, perched on the low window sill in the living room, blond head turned towards the breeze.

“Sometimes I feel like if I fall asleep, I’ll never wake up again.”

There. Little fears, things that hurt him, things that Fili tells no one else, naked and whispered in the dark.

“Fee –“

“The AI will forget about me and I’ll be left sailing the never-ending darkness of space until the stars all burn out.”

“The AI doesn’t control your sleep anymore.”

“I know –“

“And anyway, I’d remember you. I always do.”

“You do.”

He tucks himself in the vee of Fili’s bony knees, offers closeness, brown eyes searching blue, slow breaths easing into slow kisses, and hands, Kili’s warm hands closing over the little bundle of Fili’s, kept close to his mouth to guard them against the chill.

“Do you ever wonder why us?” Fili asks into their shared breaths.

“Because when you were five you decided you were going to fly. And I couldn’t let you have _all_ the fun by yourself.”

“I’m serious.”

“Skill, luck, determination, adaptability,” Kili replies honestly. “And love. You’re too stubborn to let us flicker out as specks of stardust.”

“I’m only one man.”

“You _like_ defying the odds.”

“I just keep having to.”

Forehead to forehead now, one hand curled around the side of Fili’s neck, guarding the slow, relaxed pulse there.

“You’re not doing this alone, you know.”

Fili smiles. No, he isn’t. He lets his head rest back against the window frame, exposing his neck for slow, trailing kisses.

“It’s _real_ , Fee. _This_ is real. Do you want your tell?”

“No. I know. Just –“

There are no words between them; no gestures or signs, but when Kili’s hands find their way under Fili’s soft, worn Henley, trace the warm skin and fuzzy hair over his stomach and ribs, push it up and up and off his body, Fili lets him have it and sighs, as if he only just made it home.

He lets himself moan as loud as he wants when Kili’s slick fingers slowly open him up, slides down and curls up to make space for Kili deeper between his legs.

“Ahn -!” quiet cry when Kili sinks inside him, stripping him of the last of his resistance and replacing it with a deep rhythm of burning pleasure.

He’s beautiful like this: helpless and proven wrong, loved and alive, all of him - Kili’s.

Until Fili can’t take it anymore, scrambles up to sit in Kili’s lap, strong arms tight around Kili’s shoulders and the fight back in his eyes as he tries to fuck himself harder, tries to hold on longer.

Kili grins and pushes back, pinning Fili’s back flat against the side of the window frame, hands along the underside of his thighs and hooking under his knees to keep them open, to hold him lifted and immobilised there.

He can feel the tremors as Fili fights him, rolling through his whole body, as he takes and takes and takes and makes a home of the over-bright, over-ripe pleasue.

“No. Fall,” Kili orders him breathlessly and Fili does, his shins pulling Kili in close, which is just as well, as Kili gasps his own completion into the damp skin on Fili’s neck.

Fili sleeps easy that night – close once more, guarded, exhausted and reinforced.

 

\---

 

“Ki- li…”

First, there’s longing. It hurts and burns through him and Fili has nothing to defend himself with, not even dreams he could learn to love instead.

There’s a loud clang nearby, piercing right through his skull. Then steps and -

“Stay with me,” he’s ordered. “Open your eyes, Fee.”

A kiss. A true love’s kiss.

Only Kili could ever pour this much love, this much of himself into a warm movement of lips, a gentle probing of a tongue, a breath he draws straight out of Fili’s lungs, like their own version of a mouth to mouth.

“Please. For me.”

All those princesses in fairy tales, who never even met the princes who were meant to wake them. How does this work? How can you love what you do not know? How do you obey what hasn’t made a home in your heart yet?

But Fili knows _this_. He’s known it all his life.

Love empowered by devotion to break curses. And maybe it should be scary, giving away this much of himself, the way he’s conditioned to let himself be saved by one person only, but it isn’t.

Lights as his eyelashes flutter, struggling to obey. He blinks at the pain, as the brightness rams inside his head like a spike. He thinks he groans because –

“Lights 30%.”

LIGHTS DIMMED.

“Come on, Fee. I even woke you the way you like.”

He squints at the familiar, almond-shaped, dark eyes, exists inside their scrutinising gaze, moving frantically all over his face.

“There you are,” finally a smile, but a tight one. “Do you… remember me?”

Fili frowns. What an odd question. He’d know Kili before he’d know himself.

“Love… you…”

There’s a choked off sound, half way between a sob and a laugh. “Not my name, not who I am, just that you love me. Asshole.”

It’s gentle and affectionate and Fili allows his eyes to slip closed, with a quiet, satisfied smile of his own.

“No. Stay with me, look at me! Fili!”

Darkness closes over his head like waters of a lake. For a moment there’s a lingering taste, a firm press against his lips, but then even that is taken away.

 

\---

 

Their love was always the most natural thing in the world for them. But it hasn’t always been _easy_.

“Aren’t you… upset with me?” Fili asks after their first time.

“For what?” Kili doesn’t stop picking out his tools from all around the hangar, slipping far more than he needs into the simple linen pockets of his apron.

“That I touched you.”

“I seem to recall doing quite a bit of touching of my own.”

“That’s different.”

“Why?” Kili pauses on the other side of the wing, silently challenging, before he jumps up to grab at the edge and pull himself up on top of the flat, metal surface.

“Because I’m your older brother. I’m supposed to protect you.”

That makes Kili freeze, his eyes pinning Fili in place. “Do you regret it?”

“No.” Fili never could. “But I do feel… guilty. Damn it, Kee, I’m taking away your chance to fall in love –“

“Are you.”

It’s more a statement than a question, one that sinks in slowly, making Fili suck in a sharp breath at the unspoken ‘Oh, but I _have_ fallen in love. With you.’

Kili looks away, vulnerable for a moment.

“You could have anyone –”

“Except you?”

“ _Including me_. Anyone at all.”

“Then I choose you.”

“I can’t just –“ _I won’t be able to stop. Loving you. Ever._ “If you think this is a game –“ _Don’t take it, not unless you mean to keep it._ “For me, this is –“ _Everything. All that I am._

He looks up and sees nothing but pain in Kili’s eyes. But this is new: silent, patiently waiting, when he normally recoils or gives as good as he gets.

“ _Fuck_. I’m hurting you, aren’t I?”

Kili only ducks his head, makes his hands move to find some nuts and bolts, something, anything, to occupy himself.

Fili can’t stand it. The wing is too high for him to reach, especially on this side, but he grabs the nearest set of steps, wheels them into place, finds himself climbing them before they even fully come to a stop.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, hands reaching for the one person he can’t ever afford to lose. “It’s only the fear. I have loved you for as long as I can remember. I love you now, with all my heart, all my mind, every bit of my madness. Everything I know of love starts and ends with you. But it doesn’t mean that it has to be the same for you – I just need you to know that.”

Kili huffs. “But it _is_. What else could it be?! It was always about you. All I ever wanted was to be someone you could love. You’d think I pulled off enough stupid stunts for you to notice,” he grins and Fili knows he is forgiven. “I know what I want, Fee: I only want you.”

Fili kisses him then – legs unsteady on top of the wobbly stairs, blood pounding in his ears, full of emotions that burn right through him, as his heart accepts the simple truths he will never again question:

Kili is his. He is Kili’s. This is how the world is.

“And besides, it’s bullshit, you know. This whole thing about me being younger,” his brother declares, the sweetness of his love turned fiery and passionate in an instant. “What if _I_ want to protect _you_ too?! What if you need help, or forgiveness, or someone to lean on? Do you think, _for a second_ , that I could just leave you, and not risk everything it took to save you?!”

“I –“

“It comes so easy to you, doesn’t it? Being my everything. Well, I want to be your everything too. But I can’t, if you won’t let me.”

Fili doesn’t have an answer to that; he doesn’t know how he could possibly refuse Kili anything of his heart that Kili might want for himself. Their love makes them equal and that’s something else that Fili will never question again.

 

\---

 

Concussion.

Swelling on the brain.

Hairline skull fracture.

Dislocated shoulder.

Shoulder joint ripped to shreds and crushed from the force of the impact, so much so, that it had to be replaced altogether.

Shattered collar bone, with three complex fractures.

Fili’s whole arm is barely attached when he’s first wheeled in. But at least he doesn’t die out there, alone among the empty blue, or broken on the bleak greyness of the rocky outcrops below.

He’s in surgery for over four hours, with Oin and Gandalf painstakingly installing the new joint and trying to mend whatever bits of Fili’s shoulder are still salvageable, while Kili makes sure that the anaesthesia holds, the vitals don’t drop and his own heart doesn’t burst from agony and helplessness.

He begs, pleads, promises Fili the world and threatens the powers that be, should they decide to take his brother from him. And somehow, Fili makes it through.

They set Kili’s arm only after Fili is taken care of, but that’s how Kili wants it anyway.

He patches his own heart as best as he can. He’ll take out the fragile emotional stitches – practicality, usefulness, compartmentalising, pragmatism - later, when Fili is there to talk him through it and hold his hands as he does it. Fili knows about these things. He’s better at handling Kili’s heart, anyway.

And then the waiting begins.

“Coma,” they say. “Not uncommon with this type of trauma and prolonged lack of oxygen,” they assure him. “There’s no way to tell how long. And _if_ -“ they don’t finish the sentence.

So Kili does the only other thing he knows might help Fili: he kisses him regularly to try and guide him home.

 

\---

 

Next time Fili comes round, he’s all alone.

On the outside of his plexi-glass pod, right in front of his eyes someone put a sticky note. “Don’t go anywhere,” it says. Below there’s another one with a caption “I love you too.”

Fili’s world cracks and shatters between one heartbeat and another, leaving him reeling from emotional pain and loss so profound that he can barely hold back an agonised scream.

He’s still on the ship. None of it was real: the landing, the lush valley, their little pod hidden under the canopy of trees, gliding –

They were happy, _so happy_ together, that his heart could barely contain it all. All those memories… The decadent luxury to love each other in paradise, to live out their days together.

Kili never experienced any of it. It was just a dream, all of it, even _his own tell_...

He tries to slam his fists against the plexi, but manages only one hand, sharp pain shooting through the other. He cries out, his good hand pushing through the slippery wetness to instinctively cradle his shoulder.

“Fili!” There’s a hiss of technology and someone mercifully opens the pod. “Does it hurt? Did the pain wake you? Here –“

He winces as the needle expertly pierces his skin and injects something directly into his shoulder, leaving slowly spreading numbness in its wake.

And then he stares, wide-eyed and disbelieving, at the only person who might be able to put his world back together.

“Sorry, I’ve been trying to ration the painkillers while you were out.”

Soft, warm, brown eyes. Creased with worry.

“Are you real?” he murmurs, low and aching.

“Yeah. You’re back, Fee. Try to stay with me this time. I can give you a bit of adrenaline to help you along -”

“I’ve dreamt you up the most perfect world,” he whispers, blinking away the twin tears rolling down his temples. “It was full of trees and open skies, teaming with life. You would have loved it. I wish I could show you...”

“But you _have_ ,” Kili insists and Fili clings to the simple, physical contact when he presses their foreheads together. “You were there, with me, every step of the way. We held hands that first time, remember?”

For a moment Fili dances on edge: _insanity with Kili or sanity all alone?_

His heart chooses oblivion.

“But the pod –“

“It’s a _healing pod_. It’s been 3 weeks, Fee. You _almost died_ ; remember that?”

_Dragon, hopper, sky, dragon –_

“How…?”

_How am I still alive?_

“I… Caught you. It took some flying, but I _did_. And then I got you down in one piece. Well, technically Gandalf did; I passed out. After that… it was touch and go for a while, so the pod was necessary to help keep you alive.”

It’s only now that Fili’s eyes catch sight of the clear plexi-cast around Kili’s right forearm. He doesn’t carry it inside a sling, but then Kili wouldn’t. It would only get in his way.

 _I did this to you_ , he thinks, full of guilt and protectiveness, his focus shifting away from the chaos in his head, even as Kili starts reciting a long list of Fili’s own injuries.

“Forgive me.”

Kili is silent for a moment. “What will you do next time there’s a dragon?”

“I –“

_I’d do it all over again, in a heartbeat. If it meant saving you._

“Think on it, Fili. _Really_ think. Tell me, once you have an answer. I will forgive you then.”

 

\---

 

Kili remembers watching Fili sleep.

Suspended in perfect stasis as the Quest travels on and on and on and on through the empty galaxies full of uncaring stars.

He pitches a camp, right there next to his brother’s pod, as soon as he’s sorted out whatever emergency it is that Gandalf wakes him up to deal with.

Kili _hates_ the silence, more than anything. He needs someone to _listen_ , just listen and tease him and bicker and sometimes say the three little words that Kili really needs to hear. Fili is such a damn good listener.

So instead he makes the AI listen to him.

“And what about the deepest lake? Can you tell me that?”

INSUFFICIENT DATA. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY, MASTER KILI. ONLY THE MOST BASIC SAMPLES HAVE BEEN COLLECTED, WHICH ONLY ALLOWS ME TO CONFIRM THAT WATER CAN BE FOUND ON THE PLANET SURFACE.

“You said that you had the data about the topography of Erebor.”

Kili frowns, eyeing the specific section of the code controlling Fili’s pod. There’s a curious little sub-routine written under the code proper, masking itself rather too thoroughly among the boring emissions bit. Anyone else would miss it, but this is _Fili’s_ pod and missing code bugs is how they’ve lost as many colonists as they did. So Kili is going through it pretty much character by character.

I AM ABLE TO CONFIRM THAT THERE IS SOLID SURFACE OF VARYING ALTITUDE AND LIQUID –

Kili grins.

“Mountains then! What’s the highest mountain?”

The AI obediently recites a response of some sort, somehow sounding a touch exasperated by now, if Kili is any judge. He disregards it completely, instead grabbing his personal data pad and painstakingly transcribing the rogue bit of code.

“You didn’t…” he whispers after a moment, when he realises what it is that he’s looking at.

PLEASE REPEAT YOUR QUERY.

Fili _did_. He almost certainly _did_. Otherwise, the first time he woke outside of the official schedule, and with no good reason for it, he would have checked his own code and removed the error. Besides, it’s so neat and so clever that it has _Fili_ written all over it. Kili _could_ delete the sneaky little sub-routine, but if it’s Fili’s…

He looks up from the pod’s maintenance screen to peer at Fili’s perfectly still form.

“Gandalf, is he happy?”

FILI’S VITALS ARE PERFECTLY WITHIN THE OPTIMAL RANGE.

“Not what I asked.”

HIS SERATONIN LEVELS –

“Nope.”

HIS SLEEP PATTERNS –

“Also nope. Cancel query. In fact, delete it. ”

The transparent frontal plexi panel of Fili’s pod feels cool to the touch, when Kili presses his forehead directly above his brother’s, so he can take a moment to watch his face closely.

There’s nothing. No expression to betray him, the soft lines around his eyes just as deep as always, his pale eyelashes motionless, the corner of his mouth neither turned up nor down.

Kili reaches for his little stack of bright green post it notes. “Are you okay?” he writes, then hesitates.

“Gandalf? Who’s due to wake up next, and when?”

MECHANIC BOFUR KERFUR. 9:00, 1ST OF MAY 2177.

Kili eyes the rogue sub-routine, does a quick bit of maths in his head.

He sticks the note where Fili will be sure to see it and presses a kiss above Fili’s lips. He hopes that somehow it might be enough for Fili to know that Kili is right there with him.

 

\---

 

The bio-jello inside the healing pod is something of a miracle. It provides the perfect recovery environment, ideal for keeping any wounds clean without wrapping them up, capable of gently cushioning or firming up where support is needed, countering gravity as required, up to 80%. It self-organises and self-cleanses, aids the healing process, has exceptional thermo-regulation, as well as anti-septic, blood-clotting and even mild topical anaesthetic properties.

Fili _hates_ the pod. He hates the jello and the needles which take away his pain, but give him flashbacks.

“I want out,” he demands within hours.

“No. You’ve had a serious concussion and you’re barely with it.”

“I _need_ to get out!”

“Should have thought about it before you flew yourself into a dragon then.”

Kili isn’t naturally cruel, but he is hurt and scared just now and his defensive mechanisms flare up just as much as Fili’s. They’re a mess.

“Kili. _Please_.”

Kili’s lips are pressed into a thin, tight line. “Your shoulder is held together by a combination of bio-titanium endo-prothesis fused with the bone, nano-needles piecing together the four bits of your clavicle and twenty-four mini markers within a complex magnetic field generated by the collar around your neck, which keeps everything in perfect alignment. You get up, you’ll have gravity to contend with and there’s no shot capable of controlling that level of pain for more than a few moments. You cannot ask me to do this to you.”

He _cannot_ , no. Fili groans, letting his head fall back into the luke-warm slippery sludge, eyes falling closed.

He slips helplessly between the cruelty of his worst nightmares and the torture of his kindest dreams.

A moment of silence and he’s back on board of the Quest, alone and trapped inside a soul-less universe, stripped of control, a prisoner of eternity.

A ray of sunshine and he’s among the trees, watching Kili try to teach himself to juggle using pine cones, or complaining about how hard it is to make decent arrows.

 _A dream, just a dream_.

Kili’s soft snores and thin blankets in the cold darkness of the Blue Mountains.

“Hang in there, Fee.”

Brilliant stars rising over planets. Alone. He’s always watched those alone.

A little cluster in the East, which Kili names ‘The Giggles’, delighted, out of breath and blocking out most of the night sky above Fili, while hands hold his wrists in place and small rocks dig into his back.

Sharp pain of a needle.

Needles. Hundreds of them and Fili is still conscious, as they start to suck the life out of him, until he’s nothing but a dry, twisted –

Corpses, millions of them, much smaller than their own bodies, everywhere, mummified by the millennia.

“Fili?”

Fire in the dark.

He grabs Kili’s hand and runs, until their legs almost give out, until they make it all the way back to the hoppers.

“Fili!”

The look of utter trust in Kili’s eyes, and the way he kisses Fili’s fingertips, just before Fili slicks them up and slips them inside his body for the first time…

“FILI!!”

Soft, warm, brown eyes. Frowning. And a needle piercing the pad of his finger.

The tell…

 _No more needles_ , he wants to say when everything comes to a blissful stop.

“It’s either my mind, or my body,” he rasps out instead, while he still can. “Choose, Kili.”

“No.”

But even _that_ is a choice and Fili looks him in the eye and tries to telegraph that it’s okay, that somehow, through it all, he will always love him.

“Find me another way,” Kili demands. “Tell me what you need.”

 _You,_ he thinks. _In me, under my skin, so close that I can’t deny your existence. I need you to be my everything for a while._

“Make love to me.”

Kili swallows thickly. “It will hurt,” he warns.

“I’m not afraid of the pain. I’m afraid of never being able to tell what’s real and what’s not; of losing you all over again. ”

“You’ve never lost me, Fee.”

“… Not even when I flew myself into a dragon?”

Fili watches a flash of pain across Kili’s eyes, instantly hates himself for it.

“No, not even then,” Kili tells him quietly.

“… I’d welcome the pain,” he pushes, because he can’t stand the profound silence between them.

“I’m not trying to punish you.”

“Perhaps you should.”

“Should I.”

It isn’t often that Fili is wrong about Kili’s heart, but he’s always humbled when it happens. His brother has this incredible emotional capacity, this quiet defiance and pure truth to his soul that allows him to cut through the complexity of Fili’s own feelings like a knife.

And he chooses Fili, _keeps choosing him_ , even when Fili wouldn’t.

“Make love to me,” he whispers again. “You need me, just as much as I need you. I’m here now, yours, always. You can have me; my heart, my body, anything of mine you want. I ask because I trust you; I trust your hands, your touch, your judgement, your ability to read my reactions. I ask because _this_ I can still _believe_.”

He’s kissed then, right on that rising passion, on the warmth that draws them together and polishes their jagged edges.

“Only if it’s out of love. I can’t – Not if I’m hurting you. I won’t be able to –“

Another kiss, lingering, for comfort.

“Shhhh… we’ll work it out, together, somehow.”

And another, stopped urgently mid-way –

“If we do this, you’re working _with_ me, not _against_ me. You’ll tell me if the pain is too much or if something gets you just right.” Kili pauses above him, watching closely for consent.

Fili nods his acquiescence, and quietly gives himself over to whatever Kili wants. His demons can’t get to him here; not when it’s going to be physical, when his desire is going to be hammered out into white heat and burning simplicity of love.

He’d consent to just about anything, so long as it was Kili’s hands.

 

\---

 

Fili has known Kili’s body since they were teenagers – from the time when Kili was still lanky and rippling with his youth, then as his shoulders broadened and muscles found their definition from lifting cargo while they ran various little delivery jobs, until his chest covered in a dark trail of coarse hair, making him into a striking man he is today.

For a moment Fili’s mind slips and he finds himself inside a darkened hangar in the Blue Mountains at 3 a.m., confronted with a very naked and completely unashamed Kili. It’s been a particularly difficult run, through some horrific weather, nearly costing him his cargo and his life, taking him over 20 hours longer than it was supposed to and Kili –

Kili is right there, waiting for him, stepping out of the darkness into the faint glow of the on-board instruments, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“I need you,” he simply whispers.

Fili remembers the contrast of his clothes against Kili’s naked skin as he wrapped his arms around his brother and pulled him close. They did it in complete darkness back then, hands grasping at each other, Kili on all fours on top of god knows what and moaning to his heart’s content as Fili made him feel it.

“Fili.”

A snap of fingers and he’s back in the blasted pod, his gaze settling on the familiar curve of Kili’s exposed cock.

“Sorry. I’m here now.”

“Are you?”

“For now.” He lets a little bit of the vulnerability he’s feeling show in his eyes.

Kili tilts his head thoughtfully, bites his lip. “And you’re sure about this?”

“I’m sure.”

“I’ll be gentle.”

“Don’t be,” he whispers, reaching out a hand because he can’t stand the distance between them any longer. “Just be _real_.”

Kili comes to him like summer storms come to the swaying golden meadows in July. He moves right in, one knee sinking into the jello and suddenly he’s this solid, warm weight south of Fili’s half-hard cock, familiar body stretched above his own and a hot breath tickling Fili’s cheek.

“Open your legs then, _brother_ ,” Kili demands lowly and Fili obeys, feels Kili’s thigh press up right between his legs, his pulse drumming quickly in his ears just from the simple skin-on-skin contact.

He can’t help but run his hand down Kili’s naked torso, wet fingers catching on the dark hair, inviting his fingertips to linger a moment longer, before they continue on their pilgrimage lower and lower.

They kiss just as Fili’s fingers close around Kili’s heavy length and his world gains several sharp degrees of empirical evidence.

For a while they content themselves with the easy give and take, Kili’s hips starting a messy rhythm of shallow thrusts into Fili’s grip, countered by the deep, perfect tempo of kisses, his tongue exploring Fili’s mouth as if he was a pioneer, first to reach some exotic destination.

There’s only the heat, the taste, and Fili made to be the centre of the whirlwind of emotions that Kili sparks off in him so effortlessly, loved, wanted –

“Do I kiss you like this in your dreams?” There’s fire in those hazel-coloured eyes now and Fili wants to burn in it.

“Do you think my mind would let me believe that you loved me any less than you do, in my dreams?”

Kili growls, jealous of course of his dream self, of anyone and anything that should have Fili, even in such a fleeting form, ready to nip and suck and thrust his point across, _harder_.

Fili sighs, submitting himself to the darker need of Kili’s kisses, to the impatient conquest of his long fingers – shell of his ear, sensitive skin behind it, side of his neck, curve of his jaw and then south -

They stumble and pause along the column of Fili’s throat, having reached a silicon collar fastened there, making Fili watch him thoughtfully and tilt his head back to expose it further.

“Did you put it on me?”

“I did.”

“Did you close it around my neck? Made sure that it wasn’t too tight, so I could still breathe?”

“Fili –“

“That makes it yours. It’s alright, I don’t mind. I could learn to love shackles, if it was your hands closing them around my wrists and ankles.”

“If there was _any_ other way –“

“I know.”

But the conflict rages on: Kili rebels against the collar, against anything forced on his brother and the constant agony the collar keeps at bay. They built their whole lives around freedom and ownership of their own decisions, because they chose each other and then _kept_ choosing each other again and again. But there’s a flicker of desire there too, when Kili carefully slips a finger underneath it, limiting his air supply just a tiny bit.

“Mine?” he whispers uncertainly, not yet reconciled with this interlude in power play.

“Yours,” Fili agrees, marvelling for a moment at the sense of safety that one little word brings him.

He is kissed again, fiercely now and he takes that too, fighting the urge to move his hand to his own length.

“It would be easier, if it was me taking you.”

“No. It has to be me. I need to feel you inside, need you to make it real.”

Kili doesn’t argue. He sits back a little instead, taking in Fili’s naked body spread out before him like an offering and even that feels like a caress, helping put out the phantom fires of neglect, which plague Fili’s mind.

He shivers, when both Kili’s hands reach out to follow what his gaze has already discovered, moving down his torso and stopping at his nipples to rub tight little circles there. Fili is used to kisses, trailing down his chest and stomach, slow and spoilt or fast and urgent, Kili’s hot mouth nipping and lavishing attention in turns, until Fili pushes him down towards his cock. But he can’t have it, this time. Not with the way his whole body is submerged in the damn jello. So instead –

He arches up when Kili scrapes his blunt nails over both his nipples. The agony explodes sharp and savage, a cry of pain ripped out of his throat when the movement shifts his broken collar bone.

“Fili! Oh God, I’m so –“

“No. _I_ did it, _I_ moved,” he grinds out through gritted teeth, for a moment disoriented. Then his training kicks in and Fili focuses on breathing himself through the pain, until finally it subsides to a dull ache. It pulses steady and real through him for a while, along with love and desire and cruel sense of entrapment and Fili _lets it_ because he’s been deprived of feeling _anything_ for too long.

When he opens his eyes again, Kili is right there above him, watching his face, love and concern spilling into gentle movements of his fingertips along Fili’s hairline.

But there’s fear now in the dark eyes and Fili can’t stand that.

“Do it again. I won’t move.”

Kili hesitates for a moment, but repeats the sweet torture, forcing Fili to fight for control as the sharp, deliriously good sparks dance up his spine and wring completely different set of noises out of him.

“Haaaahnnnn…” he stares down his own chest in drunken fascination, watches himself be brought right up, pleasure overtaking the pain until – “Nnnnn… Too… much… Too good…”

He sighs at the loss of the bright, acute pleasure when Kili’s fingers grant him reprieve and move to chart familiar routes down his ribs instead, over his stomach and settle down on top of his hips.

“How relaxed are you?” Kili murmurs an honest question, his good hand wrapping around Fili’s cock in turn.

“I’m not,” Fili gives him an honest answer, because he’s promised, because they have never fucked without being entirely open with each other.

“The pain…?”

“Manageable. Just making me tense.” He catches the dark gaze and holds it, when he says, “I need you to open me up.”

For a moment there’s just the familiar, absolute trust between them, steady like the twin heartbeats they’ve known all their lives, as Kili watches him carefully and does whatever it is he needs to do mentally, to make sure that Fili really is okay.

They have asked before – both Fili and Kili – at times when they felt their edges fraying and their skin stretched too thin over their bones, when they needed fire to keep them warm and the feeling of being owned to keep them belonging.

But this is different: this is a plea of one soul trapped and another terrified. They trust each other, but they don’t necessarily trust themselves.

“Courage, dear heart,” Fili whispers, and he isn’t even sure if the words are meant for Kili or himself.

All he knows is that something in Kili’s eyes changes and settles down, perhaps because it’s always been Fili’s role to re-assure them and Kili’s to keep their hope.

He relaxes as Kili’s hands slip under his thighs, find the backs of his knees and push them up, out of the jello and towards his chest.

It gives Kili the space he needs, tucking himself into the lower part of the pod, pushing his own thighs under Fili’s lower back to help raise him out of the slimy wetness. Fili shivers at the cool air tickling his warm skin, but isn’t allowed to spare it too much thought, because Kili’s hands wipe the slickness from his length, hurried and unconcerned, before his mouth closes around it –

“Aaaaaah!!” Fili’s breath stumbles and catches deep in his throat, and he almost arches up again, but freezes at the first painful twinge.

Kili is good, _so damn good_ with his mouth, generous with attention and careful of his teeth, eliciting pleasure sweet like the sin and decadent like the sunshine, radiating through him in steady waves from his groin. He knows how to curl his tongue _just so_ , how much pressure Fili likes around the head, how deep to let him slip. He knows the familiar two-stroke rhythm that makes Fili’s legs shake, his eyes fall closed as he lets himself be carried on the swelling wave of familiar need.

He knows how to make Fili leave everything behind and just _want_ , with all of himself, helplessly, completely, until it starts rubbing shoulders with madness.

The feeling only compounds on itself, when the first finger starts rubbing slow circles around his entrance, when it pushes up and slowly overcomes his natural resistance, allowing intrusion to slip inside his body for the first time. He rides it out for a while, just feeling Kili inside him, lost in the haze of dual sensations, indulging vulnerability that in time will blossom into satisfaction.

“Kili… _Please_ …” he pants, his wet hand causing a riot in Kili’s hair as he tries to simultaneously encourage, guide and express his gratitude.

It’s heady, like this: it’s the feeling of rushed early mornings and deep, dark, throbbing nights, full of whispered praises and quiet gasps. And Fili can’t get enough of it.

Kili returns with two fingers and renewed enthusiasm of his mouth, effortlessly stealing all of Fili’s petty, little thoughts in favour of replacing them with slight burn, slow, lingering stretch and a simple drive to ease into the pleasure that follows.

It’s a bit much, a bit bright, a bit… _real_. Imperfect and theirs, stubborn, passionate, rebellious.

More like the real Fili, the one who isn’t afraid of his dreams because he knows that he will always wake up next to his brother.

Fili, who dares to take chances.

Fili, who flew himself into a dragon, because he couldn’t fight for what was his in any other way.

He manages to capture a deep drag of sweet air – and even that hurts – before sacrificing it to the soft moans that break free from his lungs on each careful thrust upwards. He drives his hips down, just a little, testing his own boundaries of movement, calculating trade-offs between sharp pangs from an immobilised shoulder and getting his own damn way.

And then Kili presses up with the third one, and that really _is_ a bit much for them. He watches Fili’s eyes widen as he is very slowly breached and his body opens up to accept the sinking intrusion.

“Haaah –“ Fili pants out a gasp, for a moment capable of only feeling.

“It needs to be easy, Fee. _Today_ it needs to be easy. Does it hurt?”

“N-No.” It really doesn’t, as such. It’s just – “overwhelming.”

He’s going to feel it, later: the dull ache, the tenderness where his body resisted being this full. But isn’t that exactly what Fili wanted? Something to keep him grounded in the hours and days to come?

Kili pulls out a little and then presses up again, slipping in deeper each time, making Fili take more and more, making him slowly accept his own debauchery. He knows Fili, knows exactly when to let up to stay on the right side of ‘too much’ and for a moment Fili feels suspended like that, vulnerable but perfectly safe in Kili’s steady hands.

The pleasure is intense. Twisted through with a bitter undercurrent of pain, but Fili is too far gone to resist either, letting it all radiate though him and come out in waves in sharp, keening sounds, moans and half-words.

He can feel himself getting helplessly close, knows that if Kili chose to, he could easily make him come just from that: his control taken away, his body made to feel.

“Kee – N- No. Not on your fingers – Not like _this._ ”

He startles when swollen lips close over his own, letting him taste himself, stealing his air, kissing love in, even as Kili’s fingers drive into him harder, pulling Fili’s reality into acute focus which he so desperately needs, forcing him to resist and fight to last among the violent currents of sensations.

“Tell me.”

“On your cock. I want you inside me. Fuck me, Kili!”

“And the pain?”

“I don’t _care_.”

“Fili.”

Blue eyes catch brown and hold them in place, and it’s entirely Fili’s decision, when he says, “I can take the pain. Trust me to know my own limits.”

He tries to drive his point across by hooking his legs around the small of Kili’s back, using him like an anchor to pull himself closer, but his brother won’t have any of it.

“No, don’t move,” he orders, shifting Fili’s legs to rest in the crook of his elbows.

But at least he obeys and Fili finally gets what he wants.

“Hnnn-!” They both groan at the first careful press of Kili’s head inside Fili’s body, the renewed challenge of the slow, forceful stretch as he’s opened up again.

Their eyes never leave each other: Kili, because he needs to _see_ the exact levels of Fili’s pain compared to his pleasure and Fili, because this being _about Kili_ is what makes it to utterly, devastatingly real for him.

Wet, slick pressure, building and building as Kili keeps going, keeps filling him so full, until he’s bottomed out completely and Fili presses his hand to the side of his neck in a familiar gesture of _wait_.

He’s Kili’s now. He’s home.

“Give me a number,” Kili demands in between shaky breaths, keeping himself completely still. The scale is something they took away from their training and found useful in their more intimate moments.

“Four, for the shoulder. Six to seven when I move.”

“And…?”

“No. Zero, maybe one. Just – I’m close, Kili.”

It’s the truth: there’s the initial discomfort and depth of the penetration to get used to, but Fili relaxes into those too, until they become part of his pleasure, something constant and grounding, to act as a background for what is about to follow.

“Slowly then,” Kili’s eyes take on a different hue, darkening with mischief and slow delight. “Just feel it, make it last.”

Fili lets him have it for a moment – he is, after all, about to get fucked – before he decides to push Kili a little too. He’s not in the mood to take control completely back, make Kili hang on his every word, but he does want him to have a taste of the same helplessness he feels.

He gives himself a few slow strokes to take the edge off, watches Kili watch him hungrily as Fili moves his hand.

“Move, Kili. Fuck me, take me, give me what I need.”

It _drags_ through him, tight and hot, and slow like molasses, nerve endings alight with impulses of pleasure, and Fili takes it all, throwing his head back.

It always feels so very different: receiving instead of giving, when it’s all about the pace and the angle and the clench of Kili’s entrance and fingers twisted in sheets until their knuckles go white. It’s almost counter-intuitive: letting something enter his body, move through it, only to have it taken away again.

Perhaps he shouldn’t crave having something inside him as much as he does. And yet –

He moans at the easy slide as Kili pulls almost all the way out, before flexing his hips hard to fill him up anew. And it _is_ easy, easier than he ever remembers it being, with Kili so completely coated in the slickness and spreading more of it inside him each time he moves, with the way Fili has been so thoroughly prepared.

“That’s it,” he hisses, letting go of his cock to focus on the exquisite thrusts instead, because it _should_ be about Kili and him, the push and the pull and the fierce love capable of banishing Fili’s nightmares.

They chase their pleasure mindlessly, scrambling and slipping, until Fili notices Kili’s plexi-cast pressed up against his own calf and hooks his legs over Kili’s shoulders instead of his hips, because while he’s ready to take his own dose of pain with his pleasure, for Kili it should be only _good_.

He gasps, when it changes the angle, allowing Kili to push in deeper, hitting his prostate and sending sharp pleasure along the involuntary twitch of muscles.

“Fuck, Fee…” Kili moans, but hesitates seeing a wince which Fili isn’t quite able to catch in time.

“Just…”

“You need a rhythm.”

“Yeah, but –“

 _There_. It rolls through him, instead of stabbing, as if Kili read his mind, liquid, like everything else around him, _there_ , “oh, ffff –“ steady and growing bolder, familiar now, the heat, the slow throbbing deep inside him, _there_ , the fierce frown, as Kili takes his own pleasure and Fili’s body is picked apart, _there_ , desire bleeding over all other sensations, even the acute ache in his shoulder.

Fili reaches out blindly, grasping with his good hand for some measure of control, something to give him –

He grabs at the edge of the pod above him and pushes off it to drive himself harder into a counter thrust.

“Fili!” it sounds broken when it leaves Kili’s lips and it’s that little, desperate sound that takes Fili beyond merely physical and into –

Love. Real, tangible, addictive, filling his heart and his veins, beyond dreams or reality. Love that has always been his, love he will always trust, never question and always crave.

“Let go,” he whispers because he needs it, because he’s found himself now. “I won’t break, Kili.”

Kili swallows, but allows Fili his own choices. Deep thrusts, pinning Fili in place, resounding impact right through him, in devastating waves of pure bliss, desperate, keening noises, his own, _his own_ , almost, _almost_ -

“Harder –“ he sounds hoarse, must have been screaming, must have begged, must have given in.

It hurts, but it’s also so incredibly _good_ , fucked, wanted, full, alive, Kili’s –

Amazingly, he thinks they come together: pulsing heat spilling inside him and his own body clenching in blinding need, taking it all, until Fili knows only what it’s like to feel complete.

The aftershocks swell in him, and that really _does_ hurt, now that his bright pleasure melts away, leaving him raw and exposed. He wants to curl up in on himself, needs closeness, something to help keep him whole –

“Fili? Fee? Shhhhh… I’ve got you.” A hand gently stroking his cheek, grounding him and another running soothing caresses down his chest.

“Hnnnn –“

“Give me a number.”

“E-Eight.”

“Nine, more like,” Kili mutters, dark eyes searching his own, making their own judgements.

“I just can’t… stop…” _shaking_.

For a moment Kili disappears from his field of vision, only to return with a syringe in his hand. He pulls the cap off with his teeth before expertly piercing his skin and slipping it deeper, until it feels like he’s almost at the joint itself.

“Don’t fight it, Fee. That’s it. It has a mild muscle relaxant in it, so you may drift off.”

The numbness spreads slow, to the rhythm of Fili’s galloping heart, easing the pain and leaving behind only the soft afterglow of his orgasm.

“Stay,” he whispers, wrapping his palm over Kili’s.

“Always. I’m not going anywhere.”

“To me, you are.”

“So don’t let go. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

 

\---

 

There’s something different about this darkness and this silence, Fili decides when he comes round again, his gaze sliding aimlessly over the unfamiliar contours around him for a while.

It’s not _quite_ silence. And it’s not quite darkness. Not like there were on the Quest.

There are noises: quiet and distant, but _there_ – calls of animals, low whistles and trilling chirps, regular staccato of beaks hitting bark and a soft murmur of running water.

There’s light too: a bright, white patch on top of Fili’s knee is his most puzzling exhibit so far.

Until his eyes land on a familiar form, awkwardly perched on the edge of his pod. Kili is practically bathed in moonlight, giving him almost an ethereal look.

Fili sighs, letting relief and love wash over him, banishing the thousand questions in his head.

He’s planet-side and Kili is here with him. This is _real_.

His brother looks peaceful, if not overly comfortable: sitting on a low stool, propped up against the pod, with his head pillowed on top of his crossed arms. There’s not a stitch of clothing on him, except for a blanket draped over his back like a cape, already sliding down precariously from one shoulder, where gravity wants him naked.

It’s an instinct, as natural to him as breathing, when he reaches for the blanket’s edge to pull it back up and tuck it in place under Kili’s cheek.

A pair of sleepy, dark eyes blinks at him in confusion, causing warmth to spread in Fili’s chest, followed by amusement, when a movement of Kili’s head reveals a messy tangle of hair glued stiff together around his right ear.

Mindlessly, Kili leans in to kiss the tips of Fili’s fingers and then tilts his head to the other side, apparently happy to continue with his haphazard sleeping position.

No, it’s not quite darkness and not quite silence, Fili decides, wrapped in _peace and quiet_ instead, once more unafraid of his dreams.

 

\---

 

“How come you’re always here?” Fili asks a few days later, sipping his nutri-water and letting Kili fuss over his shoulder.

Kili isn’t surprised that he notices. To be honest, it probably only takes him as long as it does because of how much Fili struggles with his perception of reality at first.

“You’re here, so I’m here. Where else would I be?” He tries to brush it off at first, not at all sure that he’s ready to have this conversation.

“I was rather expecting Thorin to march in here and commandeer you for some urgent job or another by now.”

Despite himself, the corners of Kili’s lips quirk up. “Thorin’s not allowed in. He’s been deemed to be a threat.”

Fili arches an eyebrow.

“Neither am I allowed out,” he admits, not meeting his brother’s eyes.

“You _what_ now?! Why?!”

Kili can only shrug. The AI simply refuses to open the door if it judges Kili to be within the running distance of it. In truth, few people are allowed in: Oin and sometimes their mother, but for the most part it’s just been Kili and his brother, trapped, while the life in the camp around them goes on.

“Perhaps you should ask the Old Man himself.”

“Gandalf, explain.”

A CREWMEMBER’S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT CANNOT BE OVERRRIDEN. AS PER YOUR DYING WISH, MASTER KILI HAS BEEN PLACED IN THE SAFEST POSSIBLE LOCATION ON THE PLANET: HERE.

Kili glowers in the general direction of the ceiling. “ _Master Kili_ is perfectly capable of keeping _himself_ safe, you –“

_“Gandalf?”_

_YES?_

_“Look after Kili.”_

_I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO ‘LOOK AFTER’ ANYONE, MY DEAR BOY._

_“Just make sure he’s safe.”_

_ACKNOWLEDGED._

_“Now!”_

The dispassionate recording hits Kili like an arrow to the heart.

“Classify record as: personal and secret. You will never again play it, for anyone.” Fili’s voice is deceptively calm as he issues the order, but his eyes are on Kili’s shaking hands, as he carefully puts the 3D tissue scanner aside.

“I’m alive, and unlikely to die of my injuries. Acknowledge.”

… ACKNOWLEDGED.

“Cancel my last will and testament with immediate effect.”

… CANCELLED.

“If you ever do something to hurt my brother, to limit his freedom again, I will find the exact circuit you call home and I will _switch you off_.”

Silence.

It’s one thing to have seen it happen, it’s quite another to have heard –

Fili. Assuming that these would be his last words. Reconciled to end his own life. Because it might have saved Kili’s.

He can feel the stitches he so carefully put in ripping, one by one, incapable of saving a shattering heart.

“Kili,” a whisper. “Let me.”

He looks up to find familiar blue eyes dark with sorrow. He knows what he needs, what he’s needed for a long time, but denied himself, while Fili became the fragile centre of his universe.

Fili has been trained, but it’s never like _that_ with him, never anything less than what they’ve always been: brothers, lovers, two halves of a single soul. They are too close for the therapy to apply, content instead to do an emotional equivalent of slipping into each other’s bed late at night and pulling blankets over their heads to whisper secrets they’d never share with anyone else.

“At first I was just terrified.”

He isn’t ashamed when the first tears fall. He simply lets go and knows that Fili will catch him.

 

\---

 

“I think I’ve worked it out!” Kili announces all the way from the pod’s entrance.

Fili looks up at the sound of his brother’s voice, shifting his attention from a series of holo-screens arranged into a neat, panoramic display above his pod.

His body may be trapped, but his mind doesn’t have to be.

“The Quest,” Fili tells Kili calmly, waving the screens away and watching his enthusiastic strut falter somewhat.

“Yes, exactly! How did you know?!”

Fili offers him a small smile. “You may have been awake longer, but I’ve always been the smarter one of us.”

“I could always just leave your sorry ass down here, you know,” Kili rolls his eyes.

“We both know it will take at least two people: one to fly the Quest and the other to do the fishing.”

“Fishing?”

“For the dragon.”

“Right.” Kili blinks at him slowly, in a way that very clearly communicates to the world at large, in the universal language of Kili, that absolutely _nothing_ is right in his world.

Fili sighs and pulls his research back up.

“You asked me once what I would do next time there was a dragon,” he begins, gesturing to the screens, but Kili only throws him a wary look. “Well, I’ve worked it out. There are only two things we know for certain about the dragon: one, that it breathes air and needs it to be able to create fire and two, that it eats heavy metals.”

“It does?”

“Mostly gold, I think. Otherwise there would have been a lot fewer corpses in that damn mountain and a lot less of a dragon after several million years. I can’t imagine how much treasure there must have been originally to last it this long.”

“Right.”

“Once I knew that, the rest was easy. The Quest has several anchors of course, one of them designed for heavy metals, in case we wanted to park ourselves for a while on some passing asteroid I assume. It took some tweaking, but I’ve managed to re-calibrate it for gold specifically. So we catch the dragon, full of gold, using our anchor like a giant magnet. And then we haul –“

“It _breathes fire_.”

“Which is a form of energy. Significantly milder than the cosmic radiation, which our shields are designed to withstand. If anything, I actually think it will give them a bit of a boost. It’s the _physical_ impact that’s always hard on the shields and eats up a lot of energy.”

“That’s suicidal.”

“ _Ballsy_ , I’d like to think.”

“And then what?”

“And then we haul its ass into the outer space, of course. Where there is no air.”

It earns Fili a mildly impressed look, but Kili isn’t fooled. While spending some time to work out a risky but viable contingency plan has helped Fili’s mind settle, it has done nothing for Kili’s heart.

“You know that’s not what that question was actually about.”

Fili swallows, reaching out a hand to pull Kili closer.

“I know. But I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know how to re-train my heart to choose any differently, if your life is ever in danger again. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’ll try harder to find ways to stay alive, for _both of us_.”

Kili sighs. “Fili, I crossed the stars for you. So that I could _be with you_. I don’t want to ever be left watching them alone. Imagine how _you’d_ feel.”

Fili doesn’t have to; his mind does it perfectly well for him.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he whispers gently, his thumb rubbing at the back of Kili’s knuckles. It seems laughably inadequate if Kili felt even just a fraction of the anguish that his own soul projects in his dreams every time it thinks it’s missing its companion.

He will apologise a hundred times more: with his body, with his words, those little, helpless ones, when he forgets to guard them, and with a thousand little gestures that will spell out that he loves Kili and he’s there for him. And he’ll take time to unpick the scar tissue over Kili’s heart, to soothe it and help it heal over time.

But for now it seems to be enough for Kili, who offers him a loop-sided smile.

“Anyway, you’re wrong,” he announces.

“About what, exactly?” Fili frowns.

“The problem you’re trying to solve, to which the Quest is indeed the answer.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. It was never about the dragon.”

“Then what –“

“You. It was always _about you_. I was thinking about your hatred of the pod and how we could get you out of it, while making sure that you continue healing. All we need is some anti-gravity, which will act in the same way as the jello – a bit better in fact, because we’ll be able to adjust it down gradually, one percent at a time, as you recover. If only we had some way of getting ourselves into the orbit…”

“The Quest…”

Kili grins. “Gandalf thinks you’ll need about four weeks. There will be physio to be done, three times a day, both for you and me, but I’ve got an exercise regime. I already spoke to Thorin, and while it took all of my not inconsiderate powers of persuasion, he’s agreed for us to borrow the ship.”

Fili hesitates for a moment: he hates the ship almost as much as he hates the pods and the prospect of being cooped up in space again for a month is not a pleasant one. But Kili is right: it will give him the freedom of movement, and if Kili is there with him…

“I suppose this means you get to drive again,” he heaves a deep sigh, because he’s got a reputation to uphold.

“Damn right, I do!” Kili beams at him, before leaning down to kiss some of his own happiness into Fili.

 

\---

 

“Mnnnn.”

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

“Kili, I haven’t felt safe enough to sleep properly in close to a week.”

“And now you do.”

“Now you’re here.”

He doesn’t resist a quiet noise of contentment which rises deep in his chest, when a lingering kiss is pressed to the side of his head, as if with that simple contact Kili could safeguard his mind.

“To be fair, you always did have a good sense of timing for dramatics, stirring when you did.”

“Hmmmm?”

“Open your eyes, Fili.”

He does as he’s told, noting vaguely that they’re still slowly floating in zero gravity, curled up together and wrapped up in blankets.

Below them, in front of them, all across the giant observation deck, Erebor is rising.

It’s as if Fili saw all the colours for the first time: stunning him with lush blues and greens, sparkling like a precious jewel cast into the elegant setting of space.

Home. _Their home_.

He shivers at the easy brush of Kili’s hand between his shoulder blades, careful of his injuries, but re-assuring like the slow kisses his brother presses to the side of his neck.

“You’ve no idea how long I’ve waited to be able to share this with you.”

Fili smiles tiredly. “Oh, I think I have _some _idea__ about waiting to share things with you.”

Before them a new dawn rises and even dragons have their endings.

 

__\---_ _


End file.
